In This One Moment

It’s funny isn’t it? We’re all sat here now doing different things, sitting here watching TV, relaxing with the family, doing homework and revision. I’m sat in my room writing this blog, in a while you might all be reading it. But, do we ever stop and think that there will never be a second, a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month or a year the same as right now?

For a child who has special needs or some form of disability everyday is a challenge. It does not matter what day it is, the thing we live with isn’t going away. Young children with these needs are confused, but they don’t really understand any different. You then grow up and become older and everything starts to make sense, we accept the fact that no matter how hard we try this ‘thing’ we’ve got isn’t going to go away. We start to realise that we might never walk or talk unaided, we get to grips with the facts that with some disabilities we might not be able to understand the world like everyone else does. Dealing with change for any child can be difficult as well, adding a medical condition on top of it is just out of the question.

For any child, adolescent, young adult or adult with a mental health illness, they feel at their lowest, trust me, I think I’m still in this point but writing these helps me! Change or anything that is out of what we know as our comfort zone will most likely cause severe anxiety. I can tell you that it is like walking down a never ending black tunnel and you’re frantically searching for that light that everyone talk about it. Sometimes, you think you are reaching that light, then you get triggered by anything and go straight back to square one!

But it’s life and that’s just the way it goes, just enjoy this moment and smile even if things are rubbish at the moment. It does get better, for anyone!

Wishing you all a day or night filled with sparkles, never give up.

Ieshaūüíú

Goodbye 2017, Hello 2018…

First off, I just want to say I hope you all had the best possible Christmas, it’s crazy to think that we’re nearly two weeks into 2018 already! This can only mean one thing, it’s time for my first blog of the year, so sit back, relax and I hope you enjoy reading!

One¬†thing that’s getting to me more than ever this year, is this “new year, new me” sh*t. If there’s one positive thing that you take from my first blog of the year, it’s that PLEASE don’t think you need to follow that stupid trend! I want you to remember that, you can still aim to achieve the goals you set last year. I know how¬†difficult it is¬†to create long term goals with Mental Health, but always remember that setting, daily or even hourly goals is just as important.¬†

I am struggling so far this year, with my mental health and specifically my Anorexia. I am already getting the ‘you just nee to try’ or ‘you just need to eat, you don’t have a choice’. Oh, trust me when I say, I KNOW what you think, I KNOW how you feel and I KNOW it just looks like I am not complying with my meal plan. But, let me just say… I AM TRYING, it might not look like it but it really is easier said than done. That’s why an Eating Disorder exists, that’s what it does!! It gets into your mind and twists everything, like a manipulating little monster, it makes you not believe anything being said to you here on the outside world. However, nagging me about it DOES NOT HELP THE SITUATION, it just makes me angry and puts me off food even more. I know some of you who will read this will relate with what I am saying, so stay strong and feel free to share!¬†

This year I have got some challenging as well as exciting things ahead, as well as another load of appointments! So far, I am getting ready to go to the ‘Recovery Education Centre’ and carry on with my counselling and CBT sessions. I haven’t set myself any goals that I know are unrealistic or that I can’t reach yet. I want to carry on trying my best with recovery and get a group of people around me, to help me holistically (big word for me¬†I knowūüėā) look after myself. I’m not in this world for the drama at all,¬†I’m in it to do what makes me¬†happy! I’ve got a new best friend in my life, who has shown me what a true best friend, without the drama looks like¬†and¬†I¬†couldn’t be happier…¬†Shoutout to you Amelia, you’re¬†amazing!¬†I think this could be one of my hardest¬†years yet, recovery wise but I’ve got no other choice but to face it.

Recently, I have a new positivity adventure that is a bit like the ‘Elf On The Shelf’. I have a new toy unicorn called Ula, she’s here for peace, positivity and happiness during 2018.¬†Everyday we take a picture with Ula of what we’ve done for the day, like shopping, travels, appointments etc. This is so that, I can look back at the end of the year and see the¬†positive things throughout the storm of¬†mental health. If you have me on any social media you can see Ula’s adventures. If not, I will try and upload as many pictures as possible on here, so you can stay up to date too!¬†

So here’s to 2018, it’s a battle already, but¬†when have I ever given up¬†without a fight?! Thank you all for continuing to support me and for following my journey. It’s been two years¬†since wrote my first¬†blog, but I know for a fact that I certainly won’t be stopping writing to you all anytime soon! I hope you all have a year¬†filled with happiness, positivity and pink and sparkly magic, you really do¬†deserve it.

Lots Of Love, 

Iesha ūüíô¬†(P.S, a picture of Ula’s antics are below!)

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”Twas The Night Before Christmas, but our Mental Health Doesn’t Give us A Break…

Iesha's Journey...

‚ÄĚTwas the night before Christmas, but my mental health doesn‚Äôt give me a break, instead it just causes a riot and makes us irate.¬†

‚ÄėTwas the night before Christmas and I‚Äôm trying to keep the magic alive, using my senses and counting to five. It‚Äôs no longer working, truth is it never really has. Everyone‚Äôs asleep and I‚Äôm back to overthinking, drowning in my thoughts and I feel like I‚Äôm sinking.¬†

‚ÄĚTwas the night before Christmas and I know the sun will soon rise, I need to get myself ¬†together and gather my thoughts before the sun light shines. Soon enough I‚Äôll be sourronded by family, they‚Äôll expect me to smile and take in the Christmas spirit. Truth is, that‚Äôs far from my mind and my anxiety levels are far from the expectations of society!¬†

‚ÄĚTwas the night before Christmas, and in mind Christmas dinner isn‚Äôt such a winner. ¬†Everyone‚Ķ

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”Twas The Night Before Christmas, but our Mental Health Doesn’t Give us A Break…

”Twas the night before Christmas, but my mental health doesn’t give me a break, instead it just causes a riot and makes us irate.¬†

‘Twas the night before Christmas and I’m trying to keep the magic alive, using my senses and counting to five. It’s no longer working, truth is it never really has. Everyone’s asleep and I’m back to overthinking, drowning in my thoughts and I feel like I’m sinking.¬†

”Twas the night before Christmas and I know the sun will soon rise, I need to get myself ¬†together and gather my thoughts before the sun light shines. Soon enough I’ll be sourronded by family, they’ll expect me to smile and take in the Christmas spirit. Truth is, that’s far from my mind and my anxiety levels are far from the expectations of society!¬†

”Twas the night before Christmas, and in mind Christmas dinner isn’t such a winner. ¬†Everyone else is desperate to taste the traditional Christmas dinner, ¬†so I’m sat here playing with my fidget spinner. I don’t want to be the centre of attention, I want to be with “Iesha” and not “The Girl With The Eating Disorder”, I’m fed up of calling to Anorexia’s every order.¬†

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all the presents are wrapped, my money has definitely not been capped! As usual, I’m having anxiety about sitting in a circle and I know I can no longer hide behind my journal, it’ll be time to open presents and I just hope it all stays pleasant. I don’t want to join in the fun, I’d just much rather run.

‘Twas the night before Christmas and I really am trying to keep the spirit alive!

 

It’s the night before Christmas and it will soon be 2am, my house is silent and the darkness has sunk in. Staring at the ceiling and not revealing the tears that are falling from my eyes. Christmas is scary and I’m weary of what lies ahead. I’m shutting my eyes, because I know Santa will be on the look out for who’s naughty and nice! I’m asking for one thing, whilst you all celebrate in style this Christmas please be aware that someone around you could be struggling. However, please don’t make a big deal out of this fact, just be aware that you could be called upon for a shoulder to cry on! Mental health doesn’t stop for Christmas, in fact it can and most likely will get worse than usual.

I am wishing all my followers a Merry Christmas and a happy new year, thank you for following my journey so far and I will look forward to catching up with you all in 2018. Lots of pink and sparkly love, IeshaūüíĖ

 

 

To My Little Sisters, I will always be by your side… Thank you for being my lifesavers!

Many siblings are fighting with each other one minute, and sticking up for each other the next. But, when you live apart the arguing doesn’t happen. you just catch up on the things that have happened since you last saw them.

Growing up, I never thought I’d have the chance to be a big sister, but it had always been my dream. I reached the age of around thirteen, and came to terms with the fact that I most likely will never have the role of a big sister. But then, one weekend I was round my dads and got the news that I WAS going to be a big sister, an absolute dream come true and to this day it will always be one of the best days of my life.

First came along my seven year old sister, the first beautiful princess that I had the honour of looking after for the rest of my life. A day old she gripped onto my finger and opened her eyes looking at me. Everyone says when you become a parent you feel a love and bond like no other, I can tell you straight up that I had the same becoming a sister too!

Then, two years later came along my other little beautiful princess, instantly after I felt that exact same love, proudness and bond again. Falling asleep holding my hand and at almost five years old, I feel honoured to be in her life the whole time I’m here too.

They are the light of my life and my whole entire universe, they’ve kept me in this world and they are my first thought, for my determination to recover! I love being called Iya, I love being needed and called upon to read a book, put a puzzle together, dress a barbie or letting them be my makeup artists. Seven years from now, the hormones will start, the boyfriends/girlfriends will become serious, the attitude will just get bigger and the friendships will take over, but you know what? I can’t wait for it all, I can’t wait to give them advice or share my life stories with them. Because, I want to be here through it all and they will always be the very first priorities in my life.

So, just like Elsa and Anna we will stick together and get through anything life throws at us. (Don’t get me wrong, I can’t stand Frozen just as much as any parent). But my princesses love it, so it’s the best example for this blog! No matter how much of a Diva they both become, they will still be my best friends and I will be that embarrassing big sister at every school performance, who cries because I could burst with pride. They mean everything to me and I can’t wait for the journeys and adventures ahead of us!

Sisters now, sisters always and sisters forever ūüĎĎūüíú

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As Summer Turns to Autumn, What Does That Mean for Mental Health, and it’s Physical Consequences?

With Mental Health Summer is one of the worst times of year, I look forward to Autumn\ Winter so much more! Here’s why…

Autumn is one of my favourite times of year. The t-shirts go away, the hoodies come out, the short sleeves are gone for another year, which means even when it’s not freezing cold, you can get away with wearing long sleeves without getting questioned. The sun goes in which means you won’t get too hot anymore, which minimises that factor of passing out. Don’t get me wrong, you still have to stay dehydrated, which is one of my biggest struggles with my Eating Disorder… That’s something to contend with all year round! It can sometimes be too cold for me to want to go out, because of my reconstructed hip, which in a way when I’m really anxious helps. I get to get into bed earlier, which when my bed and to shut away the world is the only thing I want, it really helps to get away with that and make me feel safe!

Although, It’s not all good, because with mental health when is it ever all positivity and optimism?! The warm meals come back in the evenings, the dizziness will still be there, it gets darker earlier, which means the overthinking starts earlier on. The sleep deprivation doesn’t change and neither does the meal planning, close monitoring and food diaries.

As autumn turns to winter, the fear starts all over again, like summer, but with different reasons. Everyone knows that winter is pretty much based around Christmas, and Christmas mainly revolves around food. Christmas with an Eating Disorder is hell on earth, Christmas Eve is normally spent with the family, having a pre Christmas little meal for me and my family. Last year this happened and I had a panic attack, just at the thought of it. We entered my family Hotel restaurant and the only way I would go in there was if we were in a quiet area, my cutlery was moved away from me and none of the waiters were allowed to ask me anything to do with food! I got through it thanks to my godmother and left the hotel calm and pretty happy. But, then I got into bed and realised it was going to be happening again the next day, I was a wreck with a mask on the whole of Christmas last year. It ended and so did New Years, I sighed relief as I realised this didn’t need to happen for a whole other year. Well, that time is nearly up again and the shops are starting to set up for Christmas. This year I feel like my ED state is worse… I’m totally not ready to accept that this hell is going to be happening again soon!

Although for now, I can seek the early benefits of autumn and celebrate some exciting things coming up before Christmas! I will try and prepare myself the best I can and try to ‘manage my emotions’ in the ways I have been briefly taught!

Happy Autumn to everyone without having to worry about this!  Those I know who are in the same situation as me, I will be just a message away from now onwards and we will get through this together. We will fight against mental health and do everything we can to prepare, plan and find ways to get through it. Most importantly though, we will try our best to ENJOY the parts we can too!

Here’s to the last few months of 2017! Stay strong, keep smiling and always remember that it’s okay not to be okay.

Lots of love, strength and positivity,

Iesha ūüíĖ

School was way More Than just Education and Exam Results for me, They Deserve My Unexplainable Thanks…

I can almost 99.9% bet that the children and young adults, sat in their classes today were counting down the hours until the ‘saved by the bell’ moment happened for the last time of the day. We all did it, because the thought of solving another algebra equation, or reading the next page of ‘Of Mice and Men’ five minutes before the end of a lesson seems like hell on earth, right? But, trust me make the most of it, especially the ones who are at my old school, because you will miss it more than you’ll ever know!

For me, the best years of my school life was years 9-11, they were the years I started to realise who I really was. Year 9 was carefree, lifestyle wise and I felt like I could conquer the word. Year 10 was when I started slipping, but I chose to ignore that fact and put it down to the stress and work of starting the first of my GCSE years. Year 11 however, I knew something was going wrong, badly wrong and I tried to hide it from everyone, including myself! I used the “I’m tired” and the “I’m fine” card, to get myself out of talking about it.

The cracks started to show though, I noticed it more and more daily and tried my best to deal with it, and keep it to myself. Shortly after that, my friends started noticing I wasn’t me, I eventually broke and let them in to help me! The thing I was doing (but still do now) was the biggest factor back then. I explained to my. friends what was going on and hoped it’d stay away from school altogether. None of my family knew back then either, apart from my cousin/best friend. However, it quickly spiralled out of control, my ex best friend knew that for my own safety, school needed to know. (She’s not my ex best friend for that reason don’t worry!). My main 1:1 and second 1:1 had started noticing the signs, without me even realising they were. I will never forget the morning that I had to clear up the suspicions and admit that what everyone was noticing and were saying was true. From this one aspect of things, it got better, whilst I was at school at least!

One thing lead to the other, sitting in a canteen full of people, or ‘The Hub” as we call it, became an impossible task. I’d sit in a room of 2/3 of my friends instead, I started only eating one piece of food out of the five things in my lunch box, and it took me the whole of my lunch break to do that… this was more than likely just some grapes as well! My 1:1 came in and asked me why I hadn’t taken my lunchtime tablets, apart from my stubbornness, my answer would most likely be “I haven’t eaten enough for them to work, because I am not hungry”. But I even thought that all of this was down to year 11 stress and thought nothing else of it. My anxiety was getting pretty unbearable then too, but I was going through a lot at home and again, I thought it was exam and home life stress.

Anyway, my point of all this is, is that school saved my life at the times when I thought was nothing apart from feeling low. Looking back I can say they have saved my life and been my lifeline on many occasions, I wouldn’t be me without them.

Schools these days aren’t just based around getting the A* grades, although GCSE and A Level results are still as important. They’ve added something since years ago though, meaning way before I was at school, and that is the emotional wellbeing they provide the students! In this day and age, emotional and mental health support is a crucial point of changing lives for the better.

I’ve written this based on my old school, which is such an incredible place. Although, things have gone so wrong in my life for me since leaving, my school saved me back then. They gave me the strength, confidence, determination and resilience to get through day to day life. If words could express how thankful I am to everyone there then I’d write a whole book, but they never will! In my heart I always think on my lowest days, of everyone there and it brings me back to the happier me, that place is a safe bubble and one in a million!

So, to anyone who reads this and go to my school, went with me, was there when I was there or is there now, take one note from this. Tomorrow, when you’re sat in class think of what I have written and please be thankful. Despite the Algebra Equations, Of Mice and Men or exam papers, trust me when I say you will miss it, when it’s no longer in front of you, in that safe bubble. You will get the best support you ever will there, it’ll shape you into you!

Good luck to all this years year 11’s especially, you will get through this, just take all the advice you get and use it. Finally, thank you to everyone at my school for everything you did for me and I will always appreciate it!

Love and pink and sparkly positivity to everyone reading this,

IeshaūüíĖ

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When You Wish Upon A Star Your Dreams Come True!

*I know I normally only write to you all, but this deserves a one off special!*

Everyone has that one or two celebrity idols in life, right? Well on Wednesday the 13th of September 2017, my dream came true!

I got told two weeks ago by my PA/best friend that I had a¬†surprise on this date, but all¬†I knew was that it was an hour away and it was in the evening. Now, lets get one thing straight here… my geography skills are¬†absolutely awful! So, no one thought¬†I was going to guess where we were going. I went the whole 13 days coming up with random places, but nothing¬†I guessed was were we went.

The day before my¬†surprise, I saw my¬†number one celebrity idol posted on Facebook that she was touring in¬†Portsmouth on the day we were leaving to go to my¬†surprise. Me being me, I had to google maps how long it would take to get to get to¬†Portsmouth, it was an hour away and at the¬†time¬†I got told we needed to¬†start the journey. I sent it to my mum and my PA¬†Hannah, and they both fully¬†convinced me¬†that we¬†weren’t going¬†there, so¬†I¬†didn’t think anymore of it.

The day of my surprise finally arrived after 14 long days of waiting! It got to the time when we got in the car and I was reading the signs, they were telling me that we were getting further and further towards Portsmouth. Every sign that said it, I was shouting it out, probably winding Hannah up the wall! We finally arrived and parked the car, in the middle of Portsmouth and I was about to find out exactly what we were doing.

Hannah got me out the car,¬†told me to close my eyes and set up the reveal video that we¬†got told to do. I then heard¬†Hannah say “ESH WE’RE GOING TO SEE LUCY SPRAGGAN!!’ Cue me¬†screaming and getting so excited, because she is a number one celebrity idol. We went inside the concert and I was.¬†singing all her songs word by¬†word and screaming, crying happy tears and loving every single second. I thought nothing could get any better and I would end the night on a high sense of happiness!

Just when I thought it could get no better,¬†I¬†realised that WE COULD MEET LUCY SPRAGGAN AS WELL! The security¬†guard got us right to the right of the front of the¬†queue (Cerebral Palsy has to have its¬†benefitsūüėČ). Right,¬†I¬†can’t even explain how excited¬†I was, this has been my¬†lifetime dream for years! She came out to the front and asked who was¬†first to meet her… Yes¬†that’s¬†right it was me! I¬†couldn’t even drive my power chair,¬†I was being that fan that was proper freaking out with happiness. Hannah drove me to Lucy and Lucy hugged me, got makeup on my top, spoke to me and took a picture with me. I was so happy, that when¬†I left her¬†I burst into tears of happiness, because those who are close to me, will know that this is all I have ever wanted!

Although, people know that I’ve always said “When I meet Lucy Spraggan I will fully commit to my mental health recovery”. Let me tell you why though, Lucy has been to hell and back with her own mental¬†health and she has worked closely with so many charities related to mental health. She has written loads of songs related to the challenges and journey with mental health, which¬†I always have on repeat! She¬†inspires me so much and makes me realise that, despite the hell that she went through she can stand on a stage and sing her heart out with such emotion, touring worldwide in front of millions of fans! She is such an incredible person and I hope she knows that she has quite¬†literally saved my life!

My dream came true by meeting her and seeing her in concert, it has made me realise that despite a week from hell, it does get better. Dreams really do come true and I want you all to know that!

Stay strong, keep smiling and never give up on your dreams! 

Lots of love and positive sparkle, 

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Mental Health Is Just As bad As Physical Health Issues, So Can We Stop The Stigma?

*First off,¬†I need to¬†apologise for not writing to you all in so long. Zero energy means I¬†haven’t been able to update you all on my journey. No worries though,¬†although¬†I’m still in that exact same situation, I need to write to you all, on an issue very close to my heart. So please, sit back and relax, whilst you get the next part of my life situations!*

Recently, with me feeling so poorly both physically and mentally again, I have realised that it is so important to try and get my support out to different people again. I do this because I don’t want anyone to feel alone. I need to get my story out there, not only for my sake, but to make others realise that it is okay not to be okay!

I feel so lost, I feel like I have a load of friends and family around me, but breaking down at least once a day on one of them isn’t fair. Everyday I feel like I can’t cope, I feel so overwhelmed with all the steps of recovery, and it makes me feel so isolated. Although I got the best possible support available from a unit, it couldn’t last long. Which then made me feel even more worthless, I needed support and even though I lost more weight, I still got told to leave and have community care. Although I was upset, I couldn’t fault or blame any of them. Because for the time I was in there I started to feel like me and feel alive again, it’s just a shame it didn’t last long enough for the benefit to truly help and continue! However, I made some of the very best friends in there, that help me so much, we’re all in this recovery process together and that is the nicest feeling.

I get continued community support and I appreciate that so much. I just feel like after a half an hour visit, my closest circle of friends and family truly see what is behind closed doors. We speak out and cry our eyes out together, but it ¬†is just a shame that because of funding that I can not get the proper support that I need. However, because of another service I finally feel like I can open up and hopefully get the right mental health support I need. You shouldn’t look forward to something like this right? But I am, because I have hit the point where it feels like this is the option that will quite honestly save my life, with no exaggeration whatsoever.

Recently though, I have watched a documentary on channel four called “The Truth About Anorexia: Wasting Away”. Mark and Maddy Austin shared their story on Anorexia and Mental Health Issues, I finally felt like someone understood exactly how I was feeling. In this, they related to me so well, when they said things that I constantly hear. Why should we have to be close to dying to get intensive support? Why should we have to fight to get help? I always think of it like a ladder, sounds strange I know, but there is a method behind my example, I promise! You have to be told that there is always someone worse then you, so you get put back down to the bottom of this ladder, and fight hard to get back up to the top. In my personal experience, I have been put in A&E with needing nutrients and rehydration. This as well as a psychiatric assessment. But despite all this, the ladder is still so high to climb.

This is no ones fault, it is lack of funding in mental health care. If someone breaks their leg though, they wouldn’t turn away another patient that walks through that door after them. But, if that was down to mental health conditions, I’m sure that would be a different story, which quite basically breaks my heart! Someone could be in resuscitation in A&E and they will get saved. Someone could come in saying they have suicidal thoughts, but no intention of physically taking up that decision, they get turned away. It upsets me, because it is exactly the same amount of seriousness as an illness that you can physically see, but there still isn’t the funding to he put into mental health conditions!

I fight everyday to mentally stay alive, trying to remind myself that my scars are just battle wounds. The reason I have written this blog is to raise more awareness of the topic in hand. I know I am not the only one feeling like I am, so if I could reach out to them and just be a shoulder to cry on, when they feel alone I would do it in a heartbeat.

I want to say a massive thank you to Mark and Maddy Austin, for giving me the inspiration and confidence I needed to write this. Everyone always remember this quote…¬†“It’s okay to be a¬†glow stick, sometimes you have to break before you can shine!”.¬†

It would mean the world to me if you could all share this, in order to reach out and raise the best awareness we can! I hope this has helped everyone around me too.

Sending lots of love and pink and sparkly positivity, 

Iesha ūüíú

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What every person should know before getting into a relationship with me…

Right, most people my age can just flutter their eyes when they see or start speaking to someone they like. All without having to worry about any major underlying problems in their life’s, with me? But here’s my story into relationships that I think anyone who has ever been with me/wants to get with me in the future should know.¬†

Obviously, ¬†they’d guess that I have a physical disability based on the massive powered wheelchair, when the find out I have Personal Assistants and the amount of equipment I have to get on with daily life. Although, that really isn’t my biggest fear, it never has been and I highly doubt it ever will be! At the end of the day, I have a physical disability but that never stops me functioning in daily life.

However, there is one massive anxiety I have when it comes to relationships and that’s my mental health. It doesn’t give me a sign or piece of equipment when someone first meets me to say that I have a list of mental health conditions. To be fair, it’s pretty well covered up once I’m on my cocktail of mood stabilisers each day. I always try and warn people when it looks like things are going somewhere about it all, they say their in with me on the rollercoaster, yet jump off as soon as the first loop to go upside down takes place!

Somedays I’ll have it under control, ¬†I’ll stick to my meal plans, use my breathing techniques and try and take control. On days like this, I’ll let you in, I’ll tell you that I can cope and we can go about living our normal lives. I’ll tell you that you’re amazing with full enthusiasm and I’ll feel like we can conquer the world together, me and you against everything. I’ll FaceTime you without a doubt when you’re not with me and love the idea of coming to stay with you, meet your family or go on days out anywhere you like. This is because I’ll be in control of my mind and I know I’ve got everything I need to stay stable and safe.

Whereas on other days, I literally will be consumed by the big monster of which I call mental health. I can’t follow meal plans, because every food that comes near me I’ll cry at, I can’t use my breathing techniques because I’m already on the highest level of being unwell that there is and I’ll just get angry with blowing bubbles. I won’t be able to let you in, because I feel too ashamed for you to see me in such a bad state that I have to shut myself away completely. I’ll still tell you you’re amazing but it’ll be through a panic attack that you’re going to leave me, which replaces that full enthusiasm, then I don’t feel like we can conquer the world together because I’ve convinced myself that you’re better off without me anyway. I will try my best to FaceTime you when we’re not together, but sometimes I’ll be so self conscious or in such a state that I physically can’t allow myself to press the button to be able to call you. When you ask me to come and stay at yours, deep down I’d still love to but in my head it seems like the worst idea ever, so then I’ll reply with a simple “yeah maybe I can”. I couldn’t come and meet your family without days notice the first time round, because I need to plan what I could say without making myself sound stupid or upsetting them. We could go on days out, but it’d be a long process because I’ll be worrying about every little possible thing that could go wrong, I won’t eat around loads of people so I’d just down a bottle of Pepsi instead. Then all I’m thinking of is germs and I’m addiment I’ll get ill, even if I’ve already washed my hands 100 times in the last hour, because I just can’t face being sick. Following this, I’ll get the urges to do something silly and then I’d be in a constant battle with my mind. On days like this, even though I would’ve taken my medication I’d feel so unstable that it’d result in a massive breakdown, because I’d have lost control and my mind would be having that winning feeling.

Always remember though, that whatever day I’m having I’ll always be grateful to have you. I might be difficult at times, but always remember that deep down you know this isn’t the real me. I’d try my best to make you the happiest person on this planet and we will make so many good memories, if we have the chance. But lastly, always know that I’ll love you endlessly and I’d go to the end of the earth for you, no matter what!

I hope some people will understand a bit more from reading this an please feel free to share.

Love, Ieshaūüíú

One Main Part of my Journey That I Will Never Forget, Recovery Step One!ūüėė

*Possible Trigger, but a very small chance*

What I’m about to write and share with you all is very personal, but I’m going to share it because, when I first got told about it there wasn’t much information or support out there and I don’t want anyone to feel alone. So sit back, relax and enjoy reading a very important part of my story…

Anyone who has followed my blog for a long time will know that I have struggled with mental health conditions for a long time now. A very huge part of this is my eating disorder,   Anorexia. Because of this, it has recently exalted out of control, so I have ended up in a unit at a mental health hospital. It has opened my eyes as to how bad things have got and because of this I realised I needed help.

Every Thursday for the last six weeks, I have had to follow a set routine from 10am-7pm. This included eating all three meals a day, breakfast, lunch and dinner, as three snacks a day, morning snack, afternoon snack and evening snack. For everyone else without an Eating Disorder this seems like nothing big, just the norm right? But when you’re used to going all day without food, this is a massive and trust me, I mean MASSIVE challenge! I also had to sit in groups to teach me how to cope with things at home, or away from the unit or my ‘safe place’ as I like to call them! I can say it’s the most difficult six weeks of my life so far, I don’t think I’ve ever been so emotional.

However, don’t get me wrong, I can say I’ve had some of the best times of my life in there too! I’ve met the most amazing girls in there, I wouldn’t have wanted to go on the journey I have been on with anyone else, they are honestly lovely. I can now call at least one of them my best friends and that’s the best thing I could ask for! We’ve laughed together, cried together, made our own lunch/dinner and forgot we put it in the oven, meaning we almost burnt it completely, but just stood there and laughed! I’ve had some of the best heart to hearts, to have a group of girls who at the beginning were strangers but turn into people you’ll never forget and now calling them one of my best friends is amazing. All of us supported each other and celebrated each other’s achievements, when I couldn’t believe in myself, they believed in me! Oh and when it all got too much, me and the girl I now call my best friend would go for what we now call a ‘discreet vape’, which always made the day easier!

I have now been discharged from the unit, this week has been my first week without being in there, which has been difficult, but I’m trying my best. But I am still an outpatient, which means I am going to have ¬†1:1 support at home and near enough weekly visits up to unit to see everyone and go and ‘discreetly vape’ with my partner in crime!

I guess the main point I want to get out of this, is that it’s okay not to be okay! The first step is asking for help and admitting things are not manageable by yourself anymore and that’s okay. The first step is always the hardest, but it’s also the first step of recovery!

So to anyone who reads this and are struggling, please stay safe, keep smiling and know that there is always someone will be proud of you!

Lots of love,

Ieshaūüíúūüíú
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