IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED ON THIS TOPIC, PLEASE DON’T READ THIS!
It’s that time of year again, where we reach out to people, like myself with Eating Disorders, so I’m writing to you this month to show you the reality of how having Anorexia, really is! I’m not doing this to have the attention on me, I’m doing it because, there’s so much more awareness about the life threatening extreme of living 24/7 with an Eating Disorder. So, sit back and relax whilst reading this and gaining understanding alongside it!
Almost two years ago, I first got told I had my Eating Disorder. Like anyone would I went into full blown denial with the words “everyone’s overreacting, there’s nothing wrong with me, I’m fine”. After many meetings and Psychatry appointments, I finally admitted that I agree with what everyone was saying and accepted help.
Eating Disorders aren’t just ‘not eating’, it’s constantly battling with your mind, it’s having to sit in front of a plate of food and learn to listen to the outside world that actually cares about you instead of the voice inside your head. It’s about knowing you’ve taken it too far again, but you keep going because you don’t know that everything is escalating already. It’s shutting yourself away because you’re too scared and ashamed to see anyone or go anywhere. It’s constant breakdowns because you can’t take it, it’s feeling like you’ve let everyone down, it’s feeling like you’ve lost yourself and so you don’t even know if there’s a point whatsoever.
That’s all before the doctors appointments, the mood stabiliser tablets that littrally stabalise my mind enough to be a half functioning human. The psychiatric meetings, the councillors, the crisis teams, the mental health heart to hearts or lectures and all the other specialists I have to see because of it. The blood tests, the blood pressure monitors, the breathing in and out deeply to see how tachycardia has effected you in the last few months, the hot and cold flushes, the headaches that make you want to be sick, the shaking and hallucinations that literally cause so much anxiety and then the cycle starts all over again.
It’s then trying to put a smile on in front of your family and being that daughter, sister, cousin, niece, granddaughter etc that they want to know is okay. So what do you do? What do you do when they ask you how you are, but you haven’t been had the energy to sleep, what do you do when you look so drained even with layers of makeup on, what do you do when your little sister comes up and asks if you want a biscuit and you have to pretend nothing is wrong, or what do you do when you’ve been invited to a family meal and you sit around a table trying to put a smile on your face and hope to god that no one asks why you’re not eating anything with them, HOW DO YOU BE THAT FAMILY MEMBER THAT THEY REMEMBER BEFORE YOU GOT ILL?!
But, I always get told to “look for the silver lining” so we should add some positivity into this! I have had to put my trust into so many people for support because I’m poorly. But, it’s definitely taught me who are my true friends are and because of that, I’ve started opening up with what’s going on in my mind a lot more, especially with my few closest friends. They’ve seen the good and the bad, in fact some of the worst when I’m in hospital and loved me anyway. I’ve also made new friends through the worst circumstances, but now they’re one of my closest friends ever, we’ve been through the worst together but come out smiling always! The new friends and the old, you’re all incredible and even though I don’t say it everyday, I’m so grateful for you all and everything you have done and continue to do for me.
So finally, the moral of the story is that I’ve had to grow up a lot over the last two years. There’s times where I hardly survived, and the last time things were like that was only a few weeks ago! It isn’t glamorous at all, it’s not a good thing, it’s something I wouldn’t wish on anyone because it’s hell on earth. I’ve written this and it really has pulled on my heart strings at times, it really took a lot. But like I said, I’m not doing it for attention, I’m sharing it because if I could help absolutely anyone then I would do it in a millisecond and less, If raising awareness is how it will help, then that’s what I’ll do. So, to anyone that reads this if you know someone you think is struggling from an Eating Disorder then PLEASE show your support and never judge them. To anyone reading this who is struggling, please always remember this one thing… IT’S OKAY NIT TO BE OKAY!
Show your support this week and always,