Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, (EUPD) and me…

There’s not a certain ‘look’ for living with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD). You can’t walk don’t walk down the street, see someone and think ‘oh look, that girl there has EUPD!’. Because you know what? That girl still smiles, that girl still gets up and does her makeup even on her worst days. That girl still makes achievements when all the odds are against her, that girl still does uni work for a possible future goal, even when EUPD says to her you won’t get past the age of 21. 

Those people on the streets don’t see how her emotions take over her life behind closed doors. Only the people closest to her and see her at least once a week will see her major breakdowns, when eventually it all gets too much and the words “I hate life like this” comes out, followed by the horrible thoughts that EUPD gives her. They don’t see how she can be happy one minute and the lowest of the low the next. They don’t see how late at night, the thoughts take over and she lays there lifeless, staring at the ceiling in the pitch black, past 1am!

They don’t see how exhausting it can be for her to live with the disorder. How when you’re out in public she tries so hard to cover up the truth in her thoughts and to carry on like nothings wrong. But, hiding those emotions has it’s karma, in the form of EUPD for her too, because when you come home, into her ‘safe place’ she breaks because she can’t put a brave face on anymore. Only the people closest to her can see the pain behind her smile and have to remind her that it’s okay not to be okay!

However, that girl is still a SISTER, that girl is still a DAUGHTER, that girl is still a GRANDDAUGHTER. That girl is still a NIECE, that girl is still a COUSIN and that girl is also still a BEST FRIEND. That girl is still a HUMAN BEING and she is not just a condition or a disorder or another patient that a psychiatric team see! 

How do I know all this? I know that because, that girl is… ME!

So, please don’t tell me I’m overreacting or “being Childish” if we get in an argument. Because, telling anyone with EUPD that just makes it worse! Part of the emotional part of our brains don’t work the same way as people without it. Our emotional barriers our much thinner, think of it like constantly being stood on a piece of thin ice. That ice can break at any second, we hate it breaking, so we avoid anything we can that will most likely break it. In my case, family arguments are the thing to break it into a thousand little pieces! Especially when family don’t understand how difficult it is to live with the condition. When I get the comments like, “okay Iesha, you’re acting like a child and getting upset” after I have just pretty much been shouted at!

If there is any advice in my opinion that I could give a friend\family member or anyone who has someone with EUPD in your life, it would be this… Don’t go telling us everything we are doing WRONG and start telling us the things we are doing RIGHT. Tell us that we are managing our emotions well, tell us that we are doing okay, even if you’re arguing with us. We need time to process our emotions and the situation in hand, for a lot longer than people without it do! But, the most important thing for me, is PLEASE DO YOUR RESEARCH! Don’t judge things you don’t understand, it only makes the situation worse, but researching about it would mean so much to us!

Don’t judge a book by it’s cover and always think before you speak!

Stay strong you EUPD warriors out there, we can get through this.

Thank you and stay strong,

Iesha 💜

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