Last months ‘Instagram Poll’ that I did, showed that you wanted me to do this months post on how anxiety affects me, so that’s what I’ll do…
Ever get that feeling where you get butterflies, over something big, like a job interview or a presentation or when you have to have an emergency operation? In my case, try timing that by a trillion over something as small as reading a text message. On a bad day, I could drop a pen and the result could be a panic attack, my anxiety effects me MASSIVELY.
I could make plans with my friends and have to cancel last minute because I just can’t face it. It might be because can’t face the crowds of people in town and freak out, it might be because one of my friends is bringing someone I’ve never met before and I freak out because I don’t wanna embarrass myself or anyone else by saying something I shouldn’t. What if someone’s making conversation and because I’m so anxious I come across as rude and uninterested? The list could go on, I would be constantly on edge, I’m overwhelmed with anxiety and in the end, I just don’t end up being me, it’s like this mask that comes over me and completely dissociates me from the situation.
Then comes that heartbreaking feeling of guilt! You cancel or don’t agree to attend a situation and you feel unimaginable guilt. For example, my family could arrange a day out and I wouldn’t be able to make it because my mental health is being a ****. My head will spin, I will be relieved that I don’t have to face a day out, but awful because I don’t want them to feel like I’m a let down. It’s not because I’m going out with my friends or meeting people and living my life, it’s that I’m riddled with anxiety and a day in my room is all I can face.
Anxiety or any other mental health condition, is beyond horrible and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I can’t even pick up the phone, to someone even as close as my very best friend on my bad days, I feel like everyone is better off without me, it’s on my worst days where I hardly say a word to anyone, in the crippling fear that I get it wrong.
It breaks me, and what breaks me more is the fact that my own thoughts are ruling my life. All the way through school I was my own person, I was fairly confident and I wouldn’t let anyone bring me down, although those times feel like I was a completely different person. I am currently undertaking CBT for how bad my anxiety is, but trying to retrain my brain to work differently isn’t going to be easy!
So, I don’t just get that butterfly felling. I get a trillion impulse and anxiety driven thoughts every single day of my life, but I get through it and I fight through everything my brain is trying to stop me doing! Some days are worse than land I’ve come to terms with the fact that as frustrating as it is, I’ve just got to accept that bad days are part of recovery!
If you or anyone you know is struggling, please don’t be afraid to ask for help, weather that’s from a friend, a family member, a teacher/teaching assistant, a carer, or your GP. It is okay to ask for help, it’s probably one of the strongest steps to take in recovery, as long as you trust whoever you tell, it’s worth getting what feels like the weight of the world off of your shoulders, be proud of yourselves… always have faith that it can get better!
Love and positive pink and sparkly vibes,