All posts by ieshamanns

About ieshamanns

Iesha Manns, eighteen years old, studying play therapy through open university! I blog to support other people with physical and mental heath difficulties

Dear Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder…

Dear Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD), this letter is for you…

You might wonder why I’m writing you a letter? Well guess what EUPD, you always try your best to take over my life everyday, to be the centre of attention. So this letter is for you, so it is all about YOU… but please be prepared because, I’ve got some questions that always seem to go unanswered, so they’ll be in this letter too!

Dear EUPD, do you know how you make me feel on a daily bases? Do you know that when you throw emotions left, right and centre at a hundred miles an hour, it makes me feel like I loose myself because you take over. It hurts so much to feel like I’m loosing myself, would it be too much to just ask for a little break?

Dear EUPD, I can quite clearly recognise your there, don’t worry you make that extremely clear. I can do something as little as drop a pen on the floor, then the hurricane of emotions will come over me! I can go from being happy, to sad, to crying, to laughing, to being angry beyond words, to feeling like the world is better off without me, to isolating myself, to making extremely dark jokes to make myself feel better about the situation… all in a matter of seconds, no exaggeration it can literally be over a PEN ON THE FLOOR! Heres the thing though, all these emotions can arrive in seconds and flood me, but it can take hours and hours for them to leave. It’s like some sort of vicious cycle, I get stuck in a loop and I will just shut myself a way in the dark in tears because I can’t cope. How is that fair?!

Oh yeah EUPD, don’t think I’ve forgotten about when you make me feel like EVERYONE will leave me, because you’ve made abandonment such a big issue! It’s such a big issue for me, because instead of making sure I have everyone around me, I push everyone away. I do it because you’ve convinced me that everyone will leave anyway, so I try and leave before they have the chance to leave me! It can even happen to my family, I will argue with them so much so that they think I’m ignoring them, because of that argument. When in reality, I’m ignoring them because EUPD convinces me that they secretly hate me anyway! Then I will eventually calm down, but cry because I realise that I’ve pushed everyone away AGAIN. I have people saying, “I don’t know how many times you want me to say I’m not leaving, because I AM NOT”. But you know what EUPD? People have to reassure me every single night that they aren’t leaving, because they understand that you are hurting me again EUPD! 

EUPD, do you understand how scary it is to feel like you don’t belong in the world? To go down the road and have such horrible thoughts, because you make me feel so out of control that I don’t want to be alive? To have planned my whole funeral, in case everything gets too much and everyone won’t have to blame themselves  for the way YOU make me feel. I don’t think you understand how scary that is at 19 EUPD, most 50 year olds don’t even know how they want their funerals, but at 19 I do, please tell me how, or why I deserve it, IT IS HORRIBLE!


But guess what EUPD, that I am no longer going to let you win! I am going back into psychiatric care, day patient to learn how to manage you. I might be in hospital, you might’ve got me to my lowest point, BUT I WILL COME OUT STRONGER AND IN POSITIVE CONTROL. I will learn how to fully manage the emotions that you throw at me, because I am making the decision to live my life how I want for my future, NOT how YOU want me to live it and how you want me to feel. So, EUPD, enjoy the last bit of control your going to have because you won’t be having it much longer!

Finally EUPD, thank you for making me into a stronger person, thank you for showing me that this is NOT how I want to live my life. The weeks ahead, I will be in charge again and I can do that because you’ve shown me how awful you can make my life if you’re in control. SO HERE’S TO THE FUTURE EUPD, not on your terms, but on my terms. 


Not much love, 

Iesha, the girl you’ve broken, but not for much longer!💔👊🏼image.png

How Anxiety Effects Me…


Last months ‘Instagram Poll’ that I did, showed that you wanted me to do this months post on how anxiety affects me, so that’s what I’ll do…

Ever get that feeling where you get butterflies, over something big, like a job interview or a presentation or when you have to have an emergency operation? In my case, try timing that by a trillion over something as small as reading a text message. On a bad day, I could drop a pen and the result could be a panic attack, my anxiety effects me MASSIVELY.

I could make plans with my friends and have to cancel last minute because I just can’t face it. It might be because can’t face the crowds of people in town and freak out, it might be because one of my friends is bringing someone I’ve never met before and I freak out because I don’t wanna embarrass myself or anyone else by saying something I shouldn’t. What if someone’s making conversation and because I’m so anxious I come across as rude and uninterested? The list could go on, I would be constantly on edge, I’m overwhelmed with anxiety and in the end, I just don’t end up being me, it’s like this mask that comes over me and completely dissociates me from the  situation.

Then comes that heartbreaking feeling of guilt! You cancel or don’t agree to attend a situation and you feel unimaginable guilt. For example, my family could arrange a day out and I wouldn’t be able to make it because my mental health is being a ****. My head will spin, I will be relieved that I don’t have to face a day out, but awful because I don’t want them to feel like I’m a let down. It’s not because I’m going out with my friends or meeting people and living my life, it’s that I’m riddled with anxiety and a day in my room is all I can face. 

Anxiety or any other mental health condition, is beyond horrible and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I can’t even pick up the phone, to someone even as close as my very best friend on my bad days, I feel like everyone is better off without me, it’s on my worst days where I hardly say a word to anyone, in the crippling fear that I get it wrong.

It breaks me, and what breaks me more is the fact that my own thoughts are ruling my life. All the way through school I was my own person, I was fairly confident and I wouldn’t let anyone bring me down, although those times feel like I was a completely different person. I am currently undertaking CBT for how bad my anxiety is, but trying to retrain my brain to work differently isn’t going to be easy!

So, I don’t just get that butterfly felling. I get a trillion impulse and anxiety driven thoughts every single day of my life, but I get through it and I fight through everything my brain is trying to stop me doing! Some days are worse than land I’ve come to terms with the fact that as frustrating as it is, I’ve just got to accept that bad days are part of recovery!

If you or anyone you know is struggling, please don’t be afraid to ask for help, weather that’s from a friend, a family member, a teacher/teaching assistant, a carer, or your GP. It is okay to ask for help, it’s probably one of the strongest steps to take in recovery, as long as you trust whoever you tell, it’s worth getting what feels like the weight of the world off of your shoulders, be proud of yourselves… always have faith that it can get better! 

Love and positive pink and sparkly vibes, 


Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, (EUPD) and me…

There’s not a certain ‘look’ for living with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD). You can’t walk don’t walk down the street, see someone and think ‘oh look, that girl there has EUPD!’. Because you know what? That girl still smiles, that girl still gets up and does her makeup even on her worst days. That girl still makes achievements when all the odds are against her, that girl still does uni work for a possible future goal, even when EUPD says to her you won’t get past the age of 21. 

Those people on the streets don’t see how her emotions take over her life behind closed doors. Only the people closest to her and see her at least once a week will see her major breakdowns, when eventually it all gets too much and the words “I hate life like this” comes out, followed by the horrible thoughts that EUPD gives her. They don’t see how she can be happy one minute and the lowest of the low the next. They don’t see how late at night, the thoughts take over and she lays there lifeless, staring at the ceiling in the pitch black, past 1am!

They don’t see how exhausting it can be for her to live with the disorder. How when you’re out in public she tries so hard to cover up the truth in her thoughts and to carry on like nothings wrong. But, hiding those emotions has it’s karma, in the form of EUPD for her too, because when you come home, into her ‘safe place’ she breaks because she can’t put a brave face on anymore. Only the people closest to her can see the pain behind her smile and have to remind her that it’s okay not to be okay!

However, that girl is still a SISTER, that girl is still a DAUGHTER, that girl is still a GRANDDAUGHTER. That girl is still a NIECE, that girl is still a COUSIN and that girl is also still a BEST FRIEND. That girl is still a HUMAN BEING and she is not just a condition or a disorder or another patient that a psychiatric team see! 

How do I know all this? I know that because, that girl is… ME!

So, please don’t tell me I’m overreacting or “being Childish” if we get in an argument. Because, telling anyone with EUPD that just makes it worse! Part of the emotional part of our brains don’t work the same way as people without it. Our emotional barriers our much thinner, think of it like constantly being stood on a piece of thin ice. That ice can break at any second, we hate it breaking, so we avoid anything we can that will most likely break it. In my case, family arguments are the thing to break it into a thousand little pieces! Especially when family don’t understand how difficult it is to live with the condition. When I get the comments like, “okay Iesha, you’re acting like a child and getting upset” after I have just pretty much been shouted at!

If there is any advice in my opinion that I could give a friend\family member or anyone who has someone with EUPD in your life, it would be this… Don’t go telling us everything we are doing WRONG and start telling us the things we are doing RIGHT. Tell us that we are managing our emotions well, tell us that we are doing okay, even if you’re arguing with us. We need time to process our emotions and the situation in hand, for a lot longer than people without it do! But, the most important thing for me, is PLEASE DO YOUR RESEARCH! Don’t judge things you don’t understand, it only makes the situation worse, but researching about it would mean so much to us!

Don’t judge a book by it’s cover and always think before you speak!

Stay strong you EUPD warriors out there, we can get through this.

Thank you and stay strong,

Iesha 💜

Coming Out As Bisexual, My Story…

Hello my lovelies, I hope that when you read this blog, you are well! After a recent Instagram Vote I did, the majority of you wanted to know about when I came out as bisexual. So here’s my story…

I came out as bisexual in January 2017, I can honestly say it was the best thing I ever did. Everyone usually says “how long did you know you liked girls, before you came out?”. The truth is, I genuinely had no idea until I met up with a girl, who a few weeks later became my first girlfriend. I thought that girls were fit, but I had friends that are the straighter than straight and say that girls are pretty, or fit etc, so I didn’t think anything of it!

My first girlfriend came down for the weekend to visit me for the first time, although we were friends at that point. We started getting closer throughout the weekend though, day trips became ‘date days’ and we’d hold hands wherever we went from then on. That night we sat and watched a movie together, then she turned and looked at me and we just ended up kissing. I didn’t feel anything but pure love and happiness and for the first time, I felt like a relationship could work. If it wasn’t meant to be, I’d have known, but I just felt that sense of belonging and I really liked it! She had a mattress on the floor and I was in my bed,  although I remember falling asleep cuddling her and half woke up the next morning and realised we’d fallen asleep together! Again though, it didn’t feel strange, it felt like things should have always been this way.

We just ended up getting closer during that weekend, a few hours before she was getting picked up to go home, my mum suggested all 3 of us go out for an hour. At the time, I thought me and this girl had kept things lowkey and not that obvious… looking back I was the least suttle person ever! We were constantly holding hands, constantly flirting and you could just tell we were more than ‘just friends’, as my mum quickly worked out, but didn’t question me, which was so good!

Anyway, the girl I was with left to go home that night and we both agreed we want to start seeing each other, dating, relationship wise. I fell asleep smiling like an idiot! I woke up the next morning and suddenly realised that I’d have to come out as bisexual to my friends and family… I FREAKED OUT BIG TIME!

I started googling ways I could come out, phoning friends etc. She visited a few more times after that and we wanted to make it ‘Facebook official’. With that, I completely got out of telling anyone face to face, and I came out to ALL of my friends and family through social media, (I wouldn’t recommend it!). I got so many messages from family who felt like ‘I didn’t want to tell them personally’ first off, that was the negative part. But, the amount of comments on social media were all so positive, which outweighed the scary prospect that everyone thought I was upset with them! I just couldn’t find the words, but looking back I have no idea why I was so scared, because I’m so open about my sexuality now.

It wasn’t easy, but hands down the best thing I ever did. Although my first relationship with a girl didn’t last long, it made me realise that actually yes, I do like  relationships with girls and it was my starting point to my new part of life. Of course I got the “oh it’s just a phase comments”, but they soon realised it wasn’t and became happy for me!

Its a rollercoaster, but I love it and in 2018 it’s not so much of a big deal if you are thinking of coming out! Do what makes you happy, don’t hide who you are for the sake of others.

Stay happy and healthy, sending my best wishes,

Love, Iesha 💖DA1FA244-9C57-4BC2-AFD5-A2424160ABBD

Butlins Trip 2018, Here’s An Insight…

Another month has begun, which means another update for you all, from my whirlwind of a life! This time, you get a look at my weekend away, to Butlins a few weeks ago, please feel free to laugh, because trust me looking back I definitely did…

This time last week, we had our first night of our trip. I went away with one of my bestest and closest friends, Maddie, when we are together I feel like nothing in the world could get me down. On our first day there, we arrived and decided to go for a look around, after we checked into our hotel room. The first thing we did was go and get a cocktail, to start off our adult only weekend…(#winning). After our drink, selfies and  plenty of social media updates, we then gave ourselves a good, chilled amount of time to get ready. We are two very girly girls, so this was amazing for us! Sparkly eyeshadow and highlighter that’s brighter than my future at the ready, we left to go back onto the main site of Butlins, girls On  Tour had officially begun. It was a live music weekend, called “90s Reloaded live music weekend”, we were in our element! Later that night, we got back to the hotel and after some major heart to hearts we went to sleep, thinking that our alarm clock would be the thing to wake us up.

God, were we wrong! Everyone knows that lifesaving piece of equipment called a fire alarm, right? Well, that’s the thing that woke us up, no it wasn’t a fire drill, it was a real and unexpected alarm, because of a chemical gas leak… oh yeah, I forgot to mention we were on the 4th floor! Now, me+my Cerebral Palsy+mental health conditions+being on the 4th floor=How the first full day of our holiday had begun. We sat at the top of the stairs with a member of staff, being reassured that we didn’t need to leave downstairs, because evacuation chairs are one of my biggest fears. 45 minuets later, we get told that actually we DO need to leave the hotel and get in the evacuation chair, brill🤦🏼‍♀️. I mean, we were both in our PJs, shorts and strappy tops PJs and I was getting taken down about 6-8 flights of stairs. (The guys helping me were ON POINT though, so that made it easier!) we weren’t allowed back in our room properly, until later that evening, apart from being able to get dressed for 10 minuets… pass us the alcohol, it was needed! The beach walk along Bognor Regis beach was absolutely lush though, the weather was so nice, and I’ve got a massive hobby of photography, so beach photos were the best too. 🏖 

Anyway, later that day one of my biggest dreams came true, I SAW SCLUB 7 LIVE! Yes admittedly, I did cry, because I was so overwhelmed with a load of different emotions that I couldn’t hold back the tears, it was honestly incredible and I loved every moment of the little performance they did. “Never had a dream come true, until the day I found you” was pretty accurate to how I felt when I found out Sclub was there!

The next morning, we woke up to NO FIRE ALARM which was pure heaven😍. We spent the day wondering around site, because we were so exhausted from the day before. Pretty much all of that day, we lived in the amusements and it was my childhood all in one, 2p machines are the best! We decided later on that afternoon, to come back to the hotel room and just relax for a bit, because we were on our final night and we needed more energy than ever! Hours past, we were all ready to celebrate our last night in style, where’s our cocktails at?! We tried to go dinner, my anxiety was obviously through the roof and I was seconds away from an emotional breakdown, over a bowl of chips! But, my partner in crime still managed to make me laugh, she’s amazing. After dinner, I really needed a distraction and the best way to do that? THE AMUSEMENTS! I loved being back in the amusements, just when I thought things couldn’t get any better, the FITTEST guy, who worked there walked in and I was like some sort of 14 year old in the playground, he was just everything right in a guy all in one, and he won me a unicorn which just made him even better! But, back to reality in the fact that I was so amazed by him, I forgot to look for or ask for his name, but the short time he was in my eyeline was pure heaven🙋🏼‍♀️. But, I did cry because I didn’t wanna come home the next day, it’s what I always do on the last night of any holiday I go on, just because I struggle so much in the day to day life routine and it all comes back, crashing into reality!

We had to go home the next morning😫. But a special shoutout to my Mads, who was just incredible and we’ve created lifetime memories, I loved it! So, in our own special terms Mads… “Oh, Wow” (we love Cassie from ‘Skins’ too much!) thank you for everything Mads, you are amazing and I love you loads. It might’ve been our first holiday together, but it definitely won’t be the last!

Butlins, you were a blast and truly unforgettable, even the evacuation! Thank you so much for putting on this weekend, I loved every second! We’ll be back next year💁🏼‍♀️.



Dear Cerebral Palsy, This is My Letter to You…

With Cerebral Palsy Awarness Month just passing last month, I thought I’d write you all this post with a perspective of everything I’d like to say to CP if I could! So sit back, relax and hopefully gain some understanding of CP and me…

Dear Cerebral Palsy, I was only around eighteen months old when my family first got told that you would be a part of my life. Obviously though, I can’t remember that, but I’ve heard what everyone got told back then over and over again, so this is for you! 

Dear CP, there has never been one single day of my life without you. When people meet me, they meet you and I know that you will never leave. When I first got diagnosed I got told that I would never sit up, walk or talk unaided. I got told that you could come with the risk of causing me serious developmental delay, serious intellectual delay and no one could tell the outcome, only time could tell the affect you have on me.

At around three years old I first sat up UNAIDED on a sledge in the deep snow in Germany, on a family holiday. Everyone couldn’t believe it, but I’ve never settled for anything less than the best, even back then and I sat up on my own, after getting told I couldn’t. Things then went another step further and I learnt to crawl, around the age of six or seven, but even then I didn’t have the coordination to hold my head up and crawl at the same time, but I soon learnt how to do that and achieved yet another milestone! 

For the first 10 years of my life, I attended a special needs school, who were amazing. However, intellectually and socially you have never effected me and I knew that I needed to be doing  mainstream level work and social interaction. It hadn’t always been easy, but I LOVED my mainstream school years and I gained so many friends and I gained GCSE’s and qualifications that originally, CP, I got told that because of you I wouldn’t even be able to write my name, but guess what? I wrote in every lesson and in my exams! I also am now studying an open university play therapy course and I’m passing all of my exams with high standards so far, and I’m hopeful that I will continue to do that. I’ve also passed BTEC’s in Health and Social Care and I went back as an assistant at my old Special Needs school! So guess what CP? I beat the doctors expectations because of how I fought you again!

It hasn’t come without it’s challenges though, you know that as well as me CP. I’ve dislocated my hip because of the body positions I had to adapt to because of you. I’ve had many operations to deal with having you in my life, I’m on tablets to stop my leg spasms and so that my pain doesn’t go through the roof. So many doctors appointments, so much pain and so many challenges but I still win, because CP I will always win in the end.

Remember when we got told I’d never walk? I’ve walked a mile to raise money, in my walker at school. I’ve done the 100m race on sports day in my walker. I CAN walk, maybe not unaided, but I CAN walk, which again I got told would never happen, because of having you CP.

Anyway, I feel so lucky that although I will always have you CP, you’ve never impacted me as much as you possibly could’ve done. Because the only thing you really affect is my legs and slightly my right hand. I CAN walk with support, I CAN talk with no issue whatsoever, I CAN sit up unaided, I HAVE full function in my left hand and I am lucky enough to be able to get on with my left hand working fully! I AM NOT intellectually or socially impacted because of you and I CAN live my life, even though I will fully have you with me!

Finallly, THANK YOU for being part of me, thank you for making me the person I am today and thank you for letting me overcome barriers that we originally thought was impossible! 

Love and hate situations, but this was for you, Cerebral Palsy. 


Iesha 💚48048DEA-B65B-4195-BB32-AC74A146DA93

Eating Disorder Awarness Week 2018…💜


It’s that time of year again, where we reach out to people, like myself with Eating Disorders, so I’m writing to you this month to show you the reality of how having Anorexia, really is! I’m not doing this to have the attention on me, I’m doing it because, there’s so much more awareness about the life threatening extreme of living 24/7 with an Eating Disorder. So, sit back and relax whilst reading this and gaining understanding alongside it!

Almost two years ago, I first got told I had my Eating Disorder. Like anyone would I went into full blown denial with the words “everyone’s overreacting, there’s nothing wrong with me, I’m fine”.  After many meetings and Psychatry appointments, I finally admitted that I agree with what everyone was saying and accepted help.

Eating Disorders aren’t just ‘not eating’, it’s constantly battling with your mind, it’s having to sit in front of a plate of food and learn to listen to the outside world that actually cares about you instead of the voice inside your head. It’s about knowing you’ve taken it too far again, but you keep going because you don’t know that everything is escalating already. It’s shutting yourself away because you’re too scared and ashamed to see anyone or go anywhere. It’s constant breakdowns because you can’t take it, it’s feeling like you’ve let everyone down, it’s feeling like you’ve lost yourself and so you don’t even know if there’s a point whatsoever.

That’s all before the doctors appointments, the mood stabiliser tablets that littrally stabalise my mind enough to be a half functioning human. The psychiatric meetings, the councillors,  the crisis teams, the mental health heart to hearts or lectures and all the other specialists I have to see because of it. The blood tests, the blood pressure monitors, the breathing in and out deeply to see how tachycardia has effected you in the last few months, the hot and cold flushes, the headaches that make you want to be sick, the shaking and hallucinations that literally cause so much anxiety and then the cycle starts all over again.

It’s then trying to put a smile on in front of your family and being that daughter, sister, cousin, niece, granddaughter etc that they want to know is okay. So what do you do? What do you do when they ask you how you are, but you haven’t been had the energy to sleep, what do you do when you look so drained even with layers of makeup on, what do you do when your little sister comes up and asks if you want a biscuit and you have to pretend nothing is wrong, or what do you do when you’ve been invited to a family meal and you sit around a table trying to put a smile on your face and hope to god that no one asks why you’re not eating anything with them, HOW DO YOU BE THAT FAMILY MEMBER THAT THEY REMEMBER BEFORE YOU GOT ILL?!

But, I always get told to “look for the silver lining” so we should add some positivity into this! I have had to put my trust into so many people for support because I’m poorly. But, it’s definitely taught me who are my true friends are and because of that, I’ve started opening up with what’s going on in my mind a lot more, especially with my few closest friends. They’ve seen the good and the bad, in fact some of the worst when I’m in hospital and loved me anyway. I’ve also made new friends through the worst circumstances, but now they’re one of my closest friends ever, we’ve been through the worst together but come out smiling always! The new friends and the old, you’re all incredible and even though I don’t say it everyday, I’m so grateful for you all and everything you have done and continue to do for me.

So finally, the moral of the story is that I’ve had to grow up a lot over the last two years. There’s times where I hardly survived, and the last time things were like that was only a few weeks ago! It isn’t glamorous at all, it’s not a good thing, it’s something I wouldn’t wish on anyone because it’s hell on earth. I’ve written this and it really has pulled on my heart strings at times, it really took a lot. But like I said, I’m not doing it for attention, I’m sharing it because if I could help absolutely anyone then I would do it in a millisecond and less, If raising awareness is how it will help, then that’s what I’ll do. So, to anyone that reads this if you know someone you think is struggling from an Eating Disorder then PLEASE show your support and never judge them. To anyone reading this who is struggling, please always remember this one thing… IT’S OKAY NIT TO BE OKAY!

Show your support this week and always,

Love, Iesha





A Day In The Life Of Iesha…

My life is as up and down as the ‘Tower Of Terror’ in Disneyland! I was thinking of doing a new blog daily this year, but there’s no way you’d be able to keep up with the antics of my life, Every. Single. Day. I can’t keep up as it is, so you know I’ll leave that idea looking through the window! I’ve decided to change that plan slightly, I’ll do one blog with a look in on one day of my life instead… Enjoy and don’t be afraid to laugh, because trust me I find my whole life funny most days!

First up, around 9/10am I’ll wake up normally after having the weirdest dream, which I then can’t stop thinking about, so I end up typing my dream into the search bar and finding out the meaning. I mean, it’ll normally be about mermaids to anything through to being pregnant, just to scare the hell out of me! 

Next, I’ll have to reassure my mind that I haven’t turned into a mermaid or become pregnant just by sleeping, so I’ll watch Geordie Shore. I watch it in the morning, to tell myself that my life is more on track than waking up with a hang over on a Monday morning! After this, I’ll drag myself out of bed and get in my chair, trying not to run my PA/Best Friends/Chucklesister’s toes over by trying to drive my chair in a straight line whilst I’m still half a sleep because my sleeping tablets decide to work at ridiculous times!

Next, I’ll choose my clothes out of the wardrobe and go through each one like I’m about to step onto a catwalk, when in reality I have to stay in with a sh*t ton of uni work to do instead, but I’ll still make sure I’ve chosen a decent enough outfit. My Chucklesister will then straighten my hair whilst I jump out of my skin when I forget that I’d dyed my hair a different colour the night before… standard me! Whilst I’m getting my hair straightened I’ll play my PS4, screaming at the TV “oh will you just get a life and do what I asked for once?” Normally to the sim that I made get pregnant the night before, whilst I look at Han (my Chucklesister) who is cracking up with laughter behind me, before she starts my makeup on the days where I can’t be bothered to do it myself, like some sort of Celebrity. Get this right, I’ll be playing my game whilst she’s doing my makeup and completely zoned out, next thing I know I’ve got a full face of makeup on without even having to do anything… (If you want tips on how to be an A* princess I’m right here😅).

Let’s imagine it’s a Tuesday, we can get up to all sorts from shopping in WestQuay to going to every appointment under the sun, which if an appointments the case we get far too bored waiting around and take as many selfies as possible, until a doctor walks in and sees us posing like we are at a photoshoot, whilst we try not to burst out laughing! For example it’s normally a case of “Iesha do you know your weight?” To Han then saying “She has Anorexia” because I physically can’t bring myself to say it! Que them looking so sorry and I try and lighten the mood to a slightly nicer conversation. I’ll then most likely have a breakdown back in the car because I can’t manage most appointments without either having a panic attack first, masking my feelings in between then bursting into tears after, mental health totally sucks! 

Lets skip forward to about 6pm and I’m usually so emotionally exhausted at this point that all I want to do is go to bed. I’ll have a shower, which pretty much means me performing in my very own musical and Hannah now knowing pretty much all of the words too! No doubt I’ll then get shampoo in my eyes followed by my typical line of “HAN MY EYEBALLS ARE ON FIRE!” Whilst she’s there laughing at the typical me and trying to get the shampoo out of my eye, I’m sat there thinking ‘someone needs to call Fireman Sam so that he can come and rescue my poor eyes from being burnt to a crisp’, there’s never a dull moment!

Once I’m out of the shower and all comfy in my PJ,s I finally get into bed, most likely after eventually agreeing to do Physio because I know I finally get my next lot of Eastenders and Hollyoaks!  Bedtime always is my favourite time, just time to catch up with any messages from friends and watch TV knowing that I’ve survived another day battling through my mental health! When mum goes to bed, the house falls silent and I lay in bed reading my book “Fearne Cotton- Happy” , which I’d recommend to absolutely everyone, it’s such an amazing book and fills you with so much positivity, ready to face the next day. I’ll finally fall asleep around 2am, back into my land of weird dreams ready to start all over again tomorrow! 

So there we go, that’s a slight insight into my bloody crazy life and daily adventures… I hope you all are doing well and are thinking pink and sparkly, life is a rollercoaster, but the struggles make you a stronger person at the end of it.

Keep smiling Darlings,

Lots of love, Iesha


Goodbye 2017, Hello 2018…

First off, I just want to say I hope you all had the best possible Christmas, it’s crazy to think that we’re nearly two weeks into 2018 already! This can only mean one thing, it’s time for my first blog of the year, so sit back, relax and I hope you enjoy reading!

One thing that’s getting to me more than ever this year, is this “new year, new me” sh*t. If there’s one positive thing that you take from my first blog of the year, it’s that PLEASE don’t think you need to follow that stupid trend! I want you to remember that, you can still aim to achieve the goals you set last year. I know how difficult it is to create long term goals with Mental Health, but always remember that setting, daily or even hourly goals is just as important. 

I am struggling so far this year, with my mental health and specifically my Anorexia. I am already getting the ‘you just nee to try’ or ‘you just need to eat, you don’t have a choice’. Oh, trust me when I say, I KNOW what you think, I KNOW how you feel and I KNOW it just looks like I am not complying with my meal plan. But, let me just say… I AM TRYING, it might not look like it but it really is easier said than done. That’s why an Eating Disorder exists, that’s what it does!! It gets into your mind and twists everything, like a manipulating little monster, it makes you not believe anything being said to you here on the outside world. However, nagging me about it DOES NOT HELP THE SITUATION, it just makes me angry and puts me off food even more. I know some of you who will read this will relate with what I am saying, so stay strong and feel free to share! 

This year I have got some challenging as well as exciting things ahead, as well as another load of appointments! So far, I am getting ready to go to the ‘Recovery Education Centre’ and carry on with my counselling and CBT sessions. I haven’t set myself any goals that I know are unrealistic or that I can’t reach yet. I want to carry on trying my best with recovery and get a group of people around me, to help me holistically (big word for me I know😂) look after myself. I’m not in this world for the drama at all, I’m in it to do what makes me happy! I’ve got a new best friend in my life, who has shown me what a true best friend, without the drama looks like and I couldn’t be happier… Shoutout to you Amelia, you’re amazing! I think this could be one of my hardest years yet, recovery wise but I’ve got no other choice but to face it.

Recently, I have a new positivity adventure that is a bit like the ‘Elf On The Shelf’. I have a new toy unicorn called Ula, she’s here for peace, positivity and happiness during 2018. Everyday we take a picture with Ula of what we’ve done for the day, like shopping, travels, appointments etc. This is so that, I can look back at the end of the year and see the positive things throughout the storm of mental health. If you have me on any social media you can see Ula’s adventures. If not, I will try and upload as many pictures as possible on here, so you can stay up to date too! 

So here’s to 2018, it’s a battle already, but when have I ever given up without a fight?! Thank you all for continuing to support me and for following my journey. It’s been two years since wrote my first blog, but I know for a fact that I certainly won’t be stopping writing to you all anytime soon! I hope you all have a year filled with happiness, positivity and pink and sparkly magic, you really do deserve it.

Lots Of Love, 

Iesha 💙 (P.S, a picture of Ula’s antics are below!)



”Twas The Night Before Christmas, but our Mental Health Doesn’t Give us A Break…

Iesha's Journey...

”Twas the night before Christmas, but my mental health doesn’t give me a break, instead it just causes a riot and makes us irate. 

‘Twas the night before Christmas and I’m trying to keep the magic alive, using my senses and counting to five. It’s no longer working, truth is it never really has. Everyone’s asleep and I’m back to overthinking, drowning in my thoughts and I feel like I’m sinking. 

”Twas the night before Christmas and I know the sun will soon rise, I need to get myself  together and gather my thoughts before the sun light shines. Soon enough I’ll be sourronded by family, they’ll expect me to smile and take in the Christmas spirit. Truth is, that’s far from my mind and my anxiety levels are far from the expectations of society! 

”Twas the night before Christmas, and in mind Christmas dinner isn’t such a winner.  Everyone…

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