Dear Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD), this letter is for you…
You might wonder why I’m writing you a letter? Well guess what EUPD, you always try your best to take over my life everyday, to be the centre of attention. So this letter is for you, so it is all about YOU… but please be prepared because, I’ve got some questions that always seem to go unanswered, so they’ll be in this letter too!
Dear EUPD, do you know how you make me feel on a daily bases? Do you know that when you throw emotions left, right and centre at a hundred miles an hour, it makes me feel like I loose myself because you take over. It hurts so much to feel like I’m loosing myself, would it be too much to just ask for a little break?
Dear EUPD, I can quite clearly recognise your there, don’t worry you make that extremely clear. I can do something as little as drop a pen on the floor, then the hurricane of emotions will come over me! I can go from being happy, to sad, to crying, to laughing, to being angry beyond words, to feeling like the world is better off without me, to isolating myself, to making extremely dark jokes to make myself feel better about the situation… all in a matter of seconds, no exaggeration it can literally be over a PEN ON THE FLOOR! Heres the thing though, all these emotions can arrive in seconds and flood me, but it can take hours and hours for them to leave. It’s like some sort of vicious cycle, I get stuck in a loop and I will just shut myself a way in the dark in tears because I can’t cope. How is that fair?!
Oh yeah EUPD, don’t think I’ve forgotten about when you make me feel like EVERYONE will leave me, because you’ve made abandonment such a big issue! It’s such a big issue for me, because instead of making sure I have everyone around me, I push everyone away. I do it because you’ve convinced me that everyone will leave anyway, so I try and leave before they have the chance to leave me! It can even happen to my family, I will argue with them so much so that they think I’m ignoring them, because of that argument. When in reality, I’m ignoring them because EUPD convinces me that they secretly hate me anyway! Then I will eventually calm down, but cry because I realise that I’ve pushed everyone away AGAIN. I have people saying, “I don’t know how many times you want me to say I’m not leaving, because I AM NOT”. But you know what EUPD? People have to reassure me every single night that they aren’t leaving, because they understand that you are hurting me again EUPD!
EUPD, do you understand how scary it is to feel like you don’t belong in the world? To go down the road and have such horrible thoughts, because you make me feel so out of control that I don’t want to be alive? To have planned my whole funeral, in case everything gets too much and everyone won’t have to blame themselves for the way YOU make me feel. I don’t think you understand how scary that is at 19 EUPD, most 50 year olds don’t even know how they want their funerals, but at 19 I do, please tell me how, or why I deserve it, IT IS HORRIBLE!
But guess what EUPD, that I am no longer going to let you win! I am going back into psychiatric care, day patient to learn how to manage you. I might be in hospital, you might’ve got me to my lowest point, BUT I WILL COME OUT STRONGER AND IN POSITIVE CONTROL. I will learn how to fully manage the emotions that you throw at me, because I am making the decision to live my life how I want for my future, NOT how YOU want me to live it and how you want me to feel. So, EUPD, enjoy the last bit of control your going to have because you won’t be having it much longer!
Finally EUPD, thank you for making me into a stronger person, thank you for showing me that this is NOT how I want to live my life. The weeks ahead, I will be in charge again and I can do that because you’ve shown me how awful you can make my life if you’re in control. SO HERE’S TO THE FUTURE EUPD, not on your terms, but on my terms.
Not much love,
Iesha, the girl you’ve broken, but not for much longer!💔👊🏼