Right, most people my age can just flutter their eyes when they see or start speaking to someone they like. All without having to worry about any major underlying problems in their life’s, with me? But here’s my story into relationships that I think anyone who has ever been with me/wants to get with me in the future should know.
Obviously, they’d guess that I have a physical disability based on the massive powered wheelchair, when the find out I have Personal Assistants and the amount of equipment I have to get on with daily life. Although, that really isn’t my biggest fear, it never has been and I highly doubt it ever will be! At the end of the day, I have a physical disability but that never stops me functioning in daily life.
However, there is one massive anxiety I have when it comes to relationships and that’s my mental health. It doesn’t give me a sign or piece of equipment when someone first meets me to say that I have a list of mental health conditions. To be fair, it’s pretty well covered up once I’m on my cocktail of mood stabilisers each day. I always try and warn people when it looks like things are going somewhere about it all, they say their in with me on the rollercoaster, yet jump off as soon as the first loop to go upside down takes place!
Somedays I’ll have it under control, I’ll stick to my meal plans, use my breathing techniques and try and take control. On days like this, I’ll let you in, I’ll tell you that I can cope and we can go about living our normal lives. I’ll tell you that you’re amazing with full enthusiasm and I’ll feel like we can conquer the world together, me and you against everything. I’ll FaceTime you without a doubt when you’re not with me and love the idea of coming to stay with you, meet your family or go on days out anywhere you like. This is because I’ll be in control of my mind and I know I’ve got everything I need to stay stable and safe.
Whereas on other days, I literally will be consumed by the big monster of which I call mental health. I can’t follow meal plans, because every food that comes near me I’ll cry at, I can’t use my breathing techniques because I’m already on the highest level of being unwell that there is and I’ll just get angry with blowing bubbles. I won’t be able to let you in, because I feel too ashamed for you to see me in such a bad state that I have to shut myself away completely. I’ll still tell you you’re amazing but it’ll be through a panic attack that you’re going to leave me, which replaces that full enthusiasm, then I don’t feel like we can conquer the world together because I’ve convinced myself that you’re better off without me anyway. I will try my best to FaceTime you when we’re not together, but sometimes I’ll be so self conscious or in such a state that I physically can’t allow myself to press the button to be able to call you. When you ask me to come and stay at yours, deep down I’d still love to but in my head it seems like the worst idea ever, so then I’ll reply with a simple “yeah maybe I can”. I couldn’t come and meet your family without days notice the first time round, because I need to plan what I could say without making myself sound stupid or upsetting them. We could go on days out, but it’d be a long process because I’ll be worrying about every little possible thing that could go wrong, I won’t eat around loads of people so I’d just down a bottle of Pepsi instead. Then all I’m thinking of is germs and I’m addiment I’ll get ill, even if I’ve already washed my hands 100 times in the last hour, because I just can’t face being sick. Following this, I’ll get the urges to do something silly and then I’d be in a constant battle with my mind. On days like this, even though I would’ve taken my medication I’d feel so unstable that it’d result in a massive breakdown, because I’d have lost control and my mind would be having that winning feeling.
Always remember though, that whatever day I’m having I’ll always be grateful to have you. I might be difficult at times, but always remember that deep down you know this isn’t the real me. I’d try my best to make you the happiest person on this planet and we will make so many good memories, if we have the chance. But lastly, always know that I’ll love you endlessly and I’d go to the end of the earth for you, no matter what!
I hope some people will understand a bit more from reading this an please feel free to share.