When You Wish Upon A Star Your Dreams Come True!

*I know I normally only write to you all, but this deserves a one off special!*

Everyone has that one or two celebrity idols in life, right? Well on Wednesday the 13th of September 2017, my dream came true!

I got told two weeks ago by my PA/best friend that I had a¬†surprise on this date, but all¬†I knew was that it was an hour away and it was in the evening. Now, lets get one thing straight here… my geography skills are¬†absolutely awful! So, no one thought¬†I was going to guess where we were going. I went the whole 13 days coming up with random places, but nothing¬†I guessed was were we went.

The day before my¬†surprise, I saw my¬†number one celebrity idol posted on Facebook that she was touring in¬†Portsmouth on the day we were leaving to go to my¬†surprise. Me being me, I had to google maps how long it would take to get to get to¬†Portsmouth, it was an hour away and at the¬†time¬†I got told we needed to¬†start the journey. I sent it to my mum and my PA¬†Hannah, and they both fully¬†convinced me¬†that we¬†weren’t going¬†there, so¬†I¬†didn’t think anymore of it.

The day of my surprise finally arrived after 14 long days of waiting! It got to the time when we got in the car and I was reading the signs, they were telling me that we were getting further and further towards Portsmouth. Every sign that said it, I was shouting it out, probably winding Hannah up the wall! We finally arrived and parked the car, in the middle of Portsmouth and I was about to find out exactly what we were doing.

Hannah got me out the car,¬†told me to close my eyes and set up the reveal video that we¬†got told to do. I then heard¬†Hannah say “ESH WE’RE GOING TO SEE LUCY SPRAGGAN!!’ Cue me¬†screaming and getting so excited, because she is a number one celebrity idol. We went inside the concert and I was.¬†singing all her songs word by¬†word and screaming, crying happy tears and loving every single second. I thought nothing could get any better and I would end the night on a high sense of happiness!

Just when I thought it could get no better,¬†I¬†realised that WE COULD MEET LUCY SPRAGGAN AS WELL! The security¬†guard got us right to the right of the front of the¬†queue (Cerebral Palsy has to have its¬†benefitsūüėČ). Right,¬†I¬†can’t even explain how excited¬†I was, this has been my¬†lifetime dream for years! She came out to the front and asked who was¬†first to meet her… Yes¬†that’s¬†right it was me! I¬†couldn’t even drive my power chair,¬†I was being that fan that was proper freaking out with happiness. Hannah drove me to Lucy and Lucy hugged me, got makeup on my top, spoke to me and took a picture with me. I was so happy, that when¬†I left her¬†I burst into tears of happiness, because those who are close to me, will know that this is all I have ever wanted!

Although, people know that I’ve always said “When I meet Lucy Spraggan I will fully commit to my mental health recovery”. Let me tell you why though, Lucy has been to hell and back with her own mental¬†health and she has worked closely with so many charities related to mental health. She has written loads of songs related to the challenges and journey with mental health, which¬†I always have on repeat! She¬†inspires me so much and makes me realise that, despite the hell that she went through she can stand on a stage and sing her heart out with such emotion, touring worldwide in front of millions of fans! She is such an incredible person and I hope she knows that she has quite¬†literally saved my life!

My dream came true by meeting her and seeing her in concert, it has made me realise that despite a week from hell, it does get better. Dreams really do come true and I want you all to know that!

Stay strong, keep smiling and never give up on your dreams! 

Lots of love and positive sparkle, 

Iesha ūüíĖ21731344_1408711742511089_6065526255931619639_n


Mental Health Is Just As bad As Physical Health Issues, So Can We Stop The Stigma?

*First off,¬†I need to¬†apologise for not writing to you all in so long. Zero energy means I¬†haven’t been able to update you all on my journey. No worries though,¬†although¬†I’m still in that exact same situation, I need to write to you all, on an issue very close to my heart. So please, sit back and relax, whilst you get the next part of my life situations!*

Recently, with me feeling so poorly both physically and mentally again, I have realised that it is so important to try and get my support out to different people again. I do this because I don’t want anyone to feel alone. I need to get my story out there, not only for my sake, but to make others realise that it is okay not to be okay!

I feel so lost, I feel like I have a load of friends and family around me, but breaking down at least once a day on one of them isn’t fair. Everyday I feel like I can’t cope, I feel so overwhelmed with all the steps of recovery, and it makes me feel so isolated. Although I got the best possible support available from a unit, it couldn’t last long. Which then made me feel even more worthless, I needed support and even though I lost more weight, I still got told to leave and have community care. Although I was upset, I couldn’t fault or blame any of them. Because for the time I was in there I started to feel like me and feel alive again, it’s just a shame it didn’t last long enough for the benefit to truly help and continue! However, I made some of the very best friends in there, that help me so much, we’re all in this recovery process together and that is the nicest feeling.

I get continued community support and I appreciate that so much. I just feel like after a half an hour visit, my closest circle of friends and family truly see what is behind closed doors. We speak out and cry our eyes out together, but it ¬†is just a shame that because of funding that I can not get the proper support that I need. However, because of another service I finally feel like I can open up and hopefully get the right mental health support I need. You shouldn’t look forward to something like this right? But I am, because I have hit the point where it feels like this is the option that will quite honestly save my life, with no exaggeration whatsoever.

Recently though, I have watched a documentary on channel four called “The Truth About Anorexia: Wasting Away”. Mark and Maddy Austin shared their story on Anorexia and Mental Health Issues, I finally felt like someone understood exactly how I was feeling. In this, they related to me so well, when they said things that I constantly hear. Why should we have to be close to dying to get intensive support? Why should we have to fight to get help? I always think of it like a ladder, sounds strange I know, but there is a method behind my example, I promise! You have to be told that there is always someone worse then you, so you get put back down to the bottom of this ladder, and fight hard to get back up to the top. In my personal experience, I have been put in A&E with needing nutrients and rehydration. This as well as a psychiatric assessment. But despite all this, the ladder is still so high to climb.

This is no ones fault, it is lack of funding in mental health care. If someone breaks their leg though, they wouldn’t turn away another patient that walks through that door after them. But, if that was down to mental health conditions, I’m sure that would be a different story, which quite basically breaks my heart! Someone could be in resuscitation in A&E and they will get saved. Someone could come in saying they have suicidal thoughts, but no intention of physically taking up that decision, they get turned away. It upsets me, because it is exactly the same amount of seriousness as an illness that you can physically see, but there still isn’t the funding to he put into mental health conditions!

I fight everyday to mentally stay alive, trying to remind myself that my scars are just battle wounds. The reason I have written this blog is to raise more awareness of the topic in hand. I know I am not the only one feeling like I am, so if I could reach out to them and just be a shoulder to cry on, when they feel alone I would do it in a heartbeat.

I want to say a massive thank you to Mark and Maddy Austin, for giving me the inspiration and confidence I needed to write this. Everyone always remember this quote…¬†“It’s okay to be a¬†glow stick, sometimes you have to break before you can shine!”.¬†

It would mean the world to me if you could all share this, in order to reach out and raise the best awareness we can! I hope this has helped everyone around me too.

Sending lots of love and pink and sparkly positivity, 

Iesha ūüíú



What every person should know before getting into a relationship with me…

Right, most people my age can just flutter their eyes when they see or start speaking to someone they like. All without having to worry about any major underlying problems in their life’s, with me? But here’s my story into relationships that I think anyone who has ever been with me/wants to get with me in the future should know.¬†

Obviously, ¬†they’d guess that I have a physical disability based on the massive powered wheelchair, when the find out I have Personal Assistants and the amount of equipment I have to get on with daily life. Although, that really isn’t my biggest fear, it never has been and I highly doubt it ever will be! At the end of the day, I have a physical disability but that never stops me functioning in daily life.

However, there is one massive anxiety I have when it comes to relationships and that’s my mental health. It doesn’t give me a sign or piece of equipment when someone first meets me to say that I have a list of mental health conditions. To be fair, it’s pretty well covered up once I’m on my cocktail of mood stabilisers each day. I always try and warn people when it looks like things are going somewhere about it all, they say their in with me on the rollercoaster, yet jump off as soon as the first loop to go upside down takes place!

Somedays I’ll have it under control, ¬†I’ll stick to my meal plans, use my breathing techniques and try and take control. On days like this, I’ll let you in, I’ll tell you that I can cope and we can go about living our normal lives. I’ll tell you that you’re amazing with full enthusiasm and I’ll feel like we can conquer the world together, me and you against everything. I’ll FaceTime you without a doubt when you’re not with me and love the idea of coming to stay with you, meet your family or go on days out anywhere you like. This is because I’ll be in control of my mind and I know I’ve got everything I need to stay stable and safe.

Whereas on other days, I literally will be consumed by the big monster of which I call mental health. I can’t follow meal plans, because every food that comes near me I’ll cry at, I can’t use my breathing techniques because I’m already on the highest level of being unwell that there is and I’ll just get angry with blowing bubbles. I won’t be able to let you in, because I feel too ashamed for you to see me in such a bad state that I have to shut myself away completely. I’ll still tell you you’re amazing but it’ll be through a panic attack that you’re going to leave me, which replaces that full enthusiasm, then I don’t feel like we can conquer the world together because I’ve convinced myself that you’re better off without me anyway. I will try my best to FaceTime you when we’re not together, but sometimes I’ll be so self conscious or in such a state that I physically can’t allow myself to press the button to be able to call you. When you ask me to come and stay at yours, deep down I’d still love to but in my head it seems like the worst idea ever, so then I’ll reply with a simple “yeah maybe I can”. I couldn’t come and meet your family without days notice the first time round, because I need to plan what I could say without making myself sound stupid or upsetting them. We could go on days out, but it’d be a long process because I’ll be worrying about every little possible thing that could go wrong, I won’t eat around loads of people so I’d just down a bottle of Pepsi instead. Then all I’m thinking of is germs and I’m addiment I’ll get ill, even if I’ve already washed my hands 100 times in the last hour, because I just can’t face being sick. Following this, I’ll get the urges to do something silly and then I’d be in a constant battle with my mind. On days like this, even though I would’ve taken my medication I’d feel so unstable that it’d result in a massive breakdown, because I’d have lost control and my mind would be having that winning feeling.

Always remember though, that whatever day I’m having I’ll always be grateful to have you. I might be difficult at times, but always remember that deep down you know this isn’t the real me. I’d try my best to make you the happiest person on this planet and we will make so many good memories, if we have the chance. But lastly, always know that I’ll love you endlessly and I’d go to the end of the earth for you, no matter what!

I hope some people will understand a bit more from reading this an please feel free to share.

Love, Ieshaūüíú

One Main Part of my Journey That I Will Never Forget, Recovery Step One!ūüėė

*Possible Trigger, but a very small chance*

What I’m about to write and share with you all is very personal, but I’m going to share it because, when I first got told about it there wasn’t much information or support out there and I don’t want anyone to feel alone. So sit back, relax and enjoy reading a very important part of my story…

Anyone who has followed my blog for a long time will know that I have struggled with mental health conditions for a long time now. A very huge part of this is my eating disorder,   Anorexia. Because of this, it has recently exalted out of control, so I have ended up in a unit at a mental health hospital. It has opened my eyes as to how bad things have got and because of this I realised I needed help.

Every Thursday for the last six weeks, I have had to follow a set routine from 10am-7pm. This included eating all three meals a day, breakfast, lunch and dinner, as three snacks a day, morning snack, afternoon snack and evening snack. For everyone else without an Eating Disorder this seems like nothing big, just the norm right? But when you’re used to going all day without food, this is a massive and trust me, I mean MASSIVE challenge! I also had to sit in groups to teach me how to cope with things at home, or away from the unit or my ‘safe place’ as I like to call them! I can say it’s the most difficult six weeks of my life so far, I don’t think I’ve ever been so emotional.

However, don’t get me wrong, I can say I’ve had some of the best times of my life in there too! I’ve met the most amazing girls in there, I wouldn’t have wanted to go on the journey I have been on with anyone else, they are honestly lovely. I can now call at least one of them my best friends and that’s the best thing I could ask for! We’ve laughed together, cried together, made our own lunch/dinner and forgot we put it in the oven, meaning we almost burnt it completely, but just stood there and laughed! I’ve had some of the best heart to hearts, to have a group of girls who at the beginning were strangers but turn into people you’ll never forget and now calling them one of my best friends is amazing. All of us supported each other and celebrated each other’s achievements, when I couldn’t believe in myself, they believed in me! Oh and when it all got too much, me and the girl I now call my best friend would go for what we now call a ‘discreet vape’, which always made the day easier!

I have now been discharged from the unit, this week has been my first week without being in there, which has been difficult, but I’m trying my best. But I am still an outpatient, which means I am going to have ¬†1:1 support at home and near enough weekly visits up to unit to see everyone and go and ‘discreetly vape’ with my partner in crime!

I guess the main point I want to get out of this, is that it’s okay not to be okay! The first step is asking for help and admitting things are not manageable by yourself anymore and that’s okay. The first step is always the hardest, but it’s also the first step of recovery!

So to anyone who reads this and are struggling, please stay safe, keep smiling and know that there is always someone will be proud of you!

Lots of love,


I Need Your Help to find a Personal Assistant!

I am looking for a young, enthusiastic and caring personal assistant. I am eighteen years old and I have Cerebral Palsy, Anorexia and other mental health problems. I need help with personal care such as, getting dressed, showering etc. You would also be asked to have a full clean driving licence to be insured on my car, this would be to do tasks like taking me to hospital appointments and social outings. As well as this I will require someone to cook for me occasionally and do other things like hoovering my room.

The hourly rate is ¬£12.50 before tax and ¬£10 take home per hour. The minimum hours I will need to be taken is two hours a week¬†¬†(I will be happy to let you choose the day). Also, I would need you to be able to cover my main PA’s annual leave/sickness, obviously in advance. I understand that two hours a week, once a week isn’t much and if this becomes the only thing that puts you off about the job, please ask and I will try my best to sort it out!¬†

I am a girly girl who loves everything pink, I love Chick Flicks, makeup, hair dying, shopping¬†and pop music… Also anything sensory! I am the sort of person that would try and make the job work for you and for it to be fun as well. Like I stated above, I am mainly looking for a young person who has a good sense of humour, the type of person that can be a friend as well as a PA.

For any  other information, please do not hesitate to contact me and I will look forward to hearing from you, if you know anyone that might be interested please feel free to share with them!

Thank you, Iesha

Oh Yeah, Here’s why I Started Blogging…

I think most bloggers do this post right at the beginning… But I totally forgot, (yep, that’right, shame on me!). But I have remembered now finally, so sit back, relax and enjoy reading about the main reasons I write to you all.

I can remember sitting here sometime during year 11, two years ago and feeling like there are so many people that stare at me down the street and have absolutely no awareness about how disheartening that can be. I mean, I know it is obvious that I have Cerebral Palsy, but I wanted to know how all of a sudden that made me an alien! However, I literally wrote that as a status update on my Facebook, but I soon realised after that one off blog that I wanted to take blogging further. I then launched a page on my Facebook specifically for my blogs, after a few weeks though some silly kids hacked into it and posted some inappropriate stuff on there. I didn’t know it at the time, but this was a blessing in disguise because it made me even more determined to get these messages out to people, this meant that I started my page on here. It finally felt like it was meant to be and my blogs were going to have a home and a purpose.

The down point to starting all this though, was that I was in the most important point of year 11 and the stress of exams soon hit me. I decided that I had to put my blogging on hold for a while and focus on my GCSE’s, it did feel silly of me at the time after launching my page just to stop it all. But,¬†I look back now and realise exactly why I stopped for a while, ¬†it was the best¬†decision¬†I ever made! Going off track for a minute, here is a shoutout to all the year 11’s now…¬†It might seem pointless doing all the revision and extra work now, it might seem like the exam papers are just a few questions on a piece of paper and it¬†won’t be worth it, I get that, I felt exactly the same and everyone nagging me about revising did my head in. But, please take my advice¬†when I tell you that it IS¬†worth it and the results CAN effect what you do after it’s all over. However at the same time, please remember that the letters on that piece of paper¬†doesn’t¬†define you as a person, good luck to you all!

I started posting on here again around the January of 2016, the reason I never wrote again before was that I needed a subject to base it on. At this time though, I did because I started working in a special needs school, which then inspired me to write again around special needs and raise even more awareness.¬†Around 6 or 7 months later I had the best opportunity handed to me, I wanted to find a job that paid me, but everywhere I applied for declined me as soon as they found out about my disability. A¬†journalist then heard about my struggle and wanted to write a story to go in the¬†echo and on¬†the radio about this, just about the best feeling ever! They found out about me blogging and asked me to write a post from my view, about the situation, so that is exactly what I did, laying around the pool in Benidorm. This then got published for a¬†magazine¬†company, the echo and the radio, little did¬†I know the best was still to come. I got home a few days later and the story had been posted online, to all social media and it had gone viral, even getting to¬†Canada… BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!

As well as this though, as many of you would’ve guessed, from knowing me and reading my blogs that I suffer with bad mental health problems. This started during year 10/11 and has been a part of me since. However, it became a massive issue during June/ July of last year when I got diagnosed with an eating disorder! From then on my life has been a whirlwind, in and out of hospital and feeling so low. Even now, whilst I sit here writing to you I feel so rubbish… but I’m getting ready for my third day in an Eating Disorders unit tomorrow (1st of June 2017), it goes on daily and there’s no single thought without it. But I will try and keep you all updated with how it’s going as much as I can! A year or so later and I’ve finally accepted it isn’t a bad thing to accept such intensive help!¬†

During all of my therapy sessions throughout school and up until now, I have been told so many techniques to try. One being to write down exactly how I was feeling, but I wasn’t prepared to be a far less attractive Bridget Jones wannabe and write a diary! So, I decided to start my blog, (less like Bridget Jones, more like “The life of Iesha” or something along those lines!) Along with it though, I now wanted to raise awareness of mental health too and try and reduce the stigma around the subject. I want anyone to reach out for help if they’re ¬†struggling, it’s NOT for attention if you speak out about it, its bravery. ¬†I hope you’ll find that when you do admit to how you’re feeling, you’ll begin to notice that you’re not alone and that there are many other people finding it difficult too.

These are just some of the reasons why I blog, but I love writing posts for everyone to read. I can only hope that it benefits you to read them too.

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today’s a gift and that’s why we call it the present”ūüíĚ

Trapped Inside a Five Year Olds Body at Eighteen Years OldūüíĒ

*This is an emergency¬†blog post, mostly because¬†I need to get a point across! I don’t mean to be rude though*

I am currently sat here at 23:32 ¬†on a Tuesday night, sat in bed writing this to you all hoping to get a pretty big message across to whoever reads this tonight, just a little eye opener from my point of view. So please, sit back, relax and just take some of what I say in, it would mean a lot to me…

Okay, so I am eighteen and nineteen this year. However, I can’t get dressed or undressed unaided, I can’t put the toothpaste on my toothbrush, I can’t brush my hair (unless I want to take a time machine back to the 80s, because that’s what I would look like!) Oh, and on that note I can’t put my hair in a hairband etc at all. I can’t cut up any food I attempt to eat, or drink a drink out of a cup that’s full unless I want to chuck it all over myself in the process, and end up with nothing to drink anyway! That is just the tiniest list ever, but it seems like nothing to most of you right? That’s because it is your routine and that’s okay.

In the nicest possible way, with no disrespect whatsoever, some people that have my disability don’t know that their routine is any different to any able-bodied person, but I do. I get told by so many people, “go to a disability support group and hang out with people the same as you”. Or, “go in your manual chair and do more Physio to build up your strength”. Well, here is how I see it, I do NOT want to go to a disability support group because I am with my friends who are able-bodied or who have the same sort of disability as me, or who I have grown up for years with. All of these friends I love all the same, but a special shout out to my four best friends Chloe, Hannah ¬†Max and Emilie for just being the definition of incredible and giving me hope to carry on the next day. Oh yeah, point two… ¬†I do NOT want to do Physio all the time, I couldn’t care less about my strength levels, because to me? I am the same as my best friends, they don’t need Physio and I want to be that way too.

I get that I can’t get dressed and all that, I get that I can’t get rid of my wheelchair because that is impossible! But, I can decide if I don’t want a massive blue wedge or any equipment to keep my legs in position. I can decide when I want to go to sleep at night, I can decide what I want to post on my social media accounts and I can decide if I want to be the employer of my PAs… but, for some reason I don’t get that with at least 95% of the people in my life, just because I have a registered disability, even though I am eighteen years old!

So, let me get one thing straight… I am mentally like any of the people my age, I just can’t walk or use my right hand. I am currently in the middle of a university course in Play Therapy. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I feel trapped inside a broken body! It’s a horrible feeling because the only thing that has broken my mind is my mental health. But, I guess that’s just the way life is right?

Don’t judge a book by its coverūüíĮ

Death Leaves a Heartache That no one Can Heal… In Memory of Mrs Jennie Deavin!<3


I guess you can say that eighteen years old, I am quite lucky to be going through my first grieving process, I knew it would hurt but I massively underestimated how difficult it would be.

I don’t know how to live, how to get up each morning and carry on with the things that I have to do. I sit by my window everyday and see people walk past really happy, knowing that they are lucky enough not to deal with the exact loss my family and I have. The only comfort I get from carrying on is knowing that I would be making my auntie proud.

She was the most positive, outgoing, inspirational lady I had the huge honour of having in my life. Even during her five year battle with Cancer, she never once complained or never said “why me?”. Even up until the point that she started getting crucially poorly, she sat at her desk at the hotel she proudly owned and did all the work she could to help out and obviously make sure everything was in order and the way it should be. She pushed herself round a grass track in a manual wheelchair at last years Relay For Life, an event that as a family we all take part in to raise money for Cancer Research UK. Jennie was determined to complete that lap, no matter how hard it was and she wouldn’t let anyone help her! My admiration for her is forever ongoing and that will never change.

She was my best friend always, but especially the last five years. She understood how it was for me, neither of us could do the little things like cut up food in a restaurant, she understood how annoying it was to get the stares from strangers or the sympathy which she never once wanted. I can remember everyone getting together for my seventeenth birthday, Jennie was sat opposite to me and saw how stressed out I was getting with everyone asking me if I was okay because my leg was shaking. She turned around and said “oh for god sake, can you stop asking her if she is okay… If she wasn’t she can tell you”. That is when I ¬†realised that someone actually understood how I was feeling finally.

In the week leading up to her gaining her angel wings I sat round her bed in her flat, on the first day she said to me “Oh how lovely it is to see you and that beautiful smile!” shortly followed by “I have always told you to be a model… I need that picture next to my bed Rosie” then “You should play the piano with how long your fingers are”. Obviously, as the days went by she got worse, but the memories that were shared (and the amount of Mini Eggs that were eaten by everyone) will be remembered forever.

I cry every night and think about her everyday, I am currently waiting for the star right opposite my bedroom window to appear to let me know she’s there. I am so proud of every single one of my family, but especially Rosie-Rachel, James and Russel, I know she always has been and always will be proud and grateful of you all!

One month gone, but the pain hasn’t faded and it never will be the same without you, we all know that you’re pain free up there now, but we’re hoping that everyone who is up there with you are keeping those lists in the right order?! ¬†You are a hero, an inspiration, someone to admire, basically a comedian, an idol and the best family member anyone could ask for!

Sleep tight our Duracell Bunny, we love and miss you always! 05.04.17<3


The Pain In My Eyes Can Tell You A Whole New Story…

I often ask myself how she got here, from that little girl who first sat up on a sledge at five years old. To the little girl who was front row in nativities even as a sheep, to the little girl who was full of confidence and loved her for who she was. Now though, what has happened?

At eighteen years old that same girl will sit in front of the¬†mirror and cut off her body, even by putting my arm around¬†herself. She took a picture with her best friend of seven years, who is¬†actually like her little brother, she smiled in the mirror and to begin with her reaction was like “aw thats cute”. But after that, she looked back and I thought to herself, “I look beyond disgusting!”. So where has that girl gone?

Let me tell you, I know that girl… That girl now lies awake every night and fights everyday. She fights against an¬†invisible demon, whenever she is surrounded by food that demon takes¬†control and she physically can not eat because, even though everyone else around¬†her is allowed to eat, she is not because the fear of what she will feel after from this demon is¬†just too much to handle. So this girl¬†won’t eat food but then in the real world gets told that not eating is not allowed to happen at all, why? Because this girl will apparently end up having kidney¬†failure and anything else… Resulting in eventual DEATH!¬†

‘Death’ is a¬†scary word¬†don’t you think? Well, I can now tell you that this girl is no longer scared of it. Because to her, the anxiety she faced by just walking out her front door was just as scary. The past this girl had growing up from the age of nine until she was sixteen was¬†crippling her over in fear. She got told to “let go of the past and live life in the present and the¬†future”. But this girl¬†couldn’t do that, because almost like a CD stuck on a song, it constantly replayed in her head, so¬†I know that she¬†can’t just let go of it. I also know that it scares this girl to pick up the phone, it scares this girl to sit in a classroom but then when she does, the teachers pushed her one step¬†closer and tried to get her to talk in a presentation. Well, I can also tell you thats not¬†the worst part, because in that same presentation it is¬†based on nutrients¬†and calorie intake… Resulting in one huge¬†breakdown, but then those popular girls think that its just for attention.

That exact¬†same girl, dreaded summer ¬†whilst everyone was beyond excited for it, again, you want to know why? Well¬†I will tell you, this girl has to wear hoodies all year round, or bracelets or¬†elastic bands. This is because, unless it is around people who really knew this girl she was¬†ashamed of letting people see the scars of her past! So, to this girl the word ‘Death’¬†isn’t scary at all, as some days it was comforting to her….

I guess you’re wondering who this girl is, or you¬†might’ve already guessed the ending.¬†Before¬†I tell you who it is, this¬†girl wants you to remember that so¬†much can hide behind a smile. She can smile and tell you she is happy and most of you would believe her, because you¬†didn’t see the pain in her eyes. She would be quiet and overrun by thoughts, but¬†most of you would believe that she was simply tired. This girl could look anxious and she¬†would still manage to¬†reassure everyone she was okay. Finally,¬†people¬†really need to stop saying that the pain¬†someone is going through is for attention, because the stigma is horrible!¬†

So¬†I will now tell you how¬†I know¬†this one girl… This girl who I am writing about is ME!! But no,¬†I am not doing this for attention I am doing this because if¬†I achieve one thing in life it is to stop the stigma around¬†mental health. Just¬†please always remember, looks can be¬†deceiving!¬†

Stay Safe everyone, my inbox is always open if you need meūüíú


“I Guess that is the point of it all, no one¬†knows the¬†impact they have on the¬†lives of other people” ~Hannah Baker~ūüíĒ¬†

24th February 2014… A Life Changing Week!

It’s been three years, three long challenging years but I remember it like it was yesterday. So many people that mean so much to me know exactly what I mean when they see this date, but I have never shared my story in detail from my point of view. So please, sit back and relax whilst I finally share the major and sometimes minor details of my hip reconstruction…A year and a half of being in constant agony and sitting the beginning of my GCSE years with a dislocated hip, I had such a picture built up in my head as to how this journey would be! After getting a sickness bug a couple of weeks before, on my original operation date, it broke my heart but made me more determined than ever to finally live the pain free life I’d dreamt of as soon as the 24th arrived. 

I remember arriving in Southampton hospital car park and taking one look before fear took hold of me. It finally hit me, this was my home for the next week and that in a few hours I’d be under anaesthetic having a hip reconstruction. The only way I was going to get through the next week (by the way no one knows I did this!) was to imagine being admitted to a five stat hotel, pretending to be some celebrity and thinking that no needle would come anywhere near me… it sounds silly but it worked, until I saw one of the first things to calm me down and bring me back to reality. There it was, right in front of me the incredible multi coloured corridor! At 15 years old I was more fascinated than most five year olds, but just round that corner was my ward and perminant base that I’d call home, ward G3 for children’s orthopaedics! 

Then it started, my wrist bands went on, the forms were signed and just because I was allergic to one thing? That was known as ‘high risk’ and I had a red clip attached to my bands. My first set of observations were then done, my magic cream got put on every part of my arms possible, which was followed quickly by a blood test. My fear of needles were soon found out after tear drops flooded out of my eyes like a fountain! Wow, now the waiting began. I waited five long hours until the porters came and got me, trust me those five hours felt like a longer wait than the whole year and a half! No matter how many games of uno that was played I had never been so bored… but the little children that looked petrified did distract me, because I realised that it could be me to cheer them up a bit, even if it meant hearing the Peppa Pig theme tune on repeat! Finally my time for my operation had come around, this time it was me that was petrified, but my life was about to change forever. Going down the normal hospital like corridors on a hospital bed on the way to anaesthetic, which is my worst nightmare and this time my mind wouldn’t let me be a celebrity, this time my mind knew what was about to happen! We reach the corridor and I was waiting to get put to sleep, I can remember watching Ice Age on a massive robot looking TV an then, I was going to sleep that was it, I was gone at 4:00pm. 
The next thing I knew it was 8:00pm, I was awake and hearing my nurse and mum and dad telling me to keep my oxygen tube up my nose, but I am Iesha Manns and everyone knew that’d never happen! I was in and out of sleep, I can remember my dad telling me that my little sister wanted to start ballet, but I can’t remember him leaving. The next time I woke up, everyone was asleep and I was having my drips and cold spray checked on to make sure my epidural was working! It was the same as this for the next few days, I remember my auntie Serena coming up on around the second day and doing a fishtail plait in my hair, whilst I was off my face on my morphine drip, but it’s the littlest things I can remember so clearly, just like that! 
I finally started to feel more alive on the third night/fourth day, that’s when my Physio started and I had the most amazing physiotherapist ever! But, the epidural had been stopped then and I was finally allowed back in my chair… me being me, I went to the bathroom and did my makeup! I had the most incredible visitors, my Nans and grandads, my mum was just the definition of my saviour that week and stayed by my side until the very last night when my godmother took over. My dad and sister, who knew I was poorly even at such a young age and just sat with me, playing Peppa Pig on my iPad laying next to me. My auntie Camilla who by the Friday night realised I was in need of getting back to being me so started throwing Daim Bar Minis at me… that’s love! But the biggest thing I remember, is having my cousin Matilda who is my inspiration by me all weekend, feeding me pasta and chicken and stuffing sandwiches and watching bridesmaids to that guy nurses disgust… all whilst being my rock and my nurse until late at night on the Sunday! She left an I was sad, but then I realised something… IT WAS DISCHARGE DAY TOMORROW!!! I had my last hair wash and hospital bed bath, had some time with the play therapists then went to sleep for the last night in G3! 

Finally we’ve reached the end… it was discharge day! I had spent the days at the beginning of the week wishing the days away to get out of hospital, but now it was here I was feeling a bit emotional. I wrote all the nurses a card, filled in the feedback forms and started packing my bags. I said goodbye to all the children that I’d made smile over the last week, mum had become friends with all the parents and I felt like a big sister to all the kids, we’d become family in the last week and it was so hard to leave! I left the ward, went down the hallway to say goodbye to the most fantastic nurses and therapists for the last time, gave them there card and with tears in my eyes we shut the coded door behind us for the last time. Got down the multicoloured corridor that had been my safe place throughout the last week and I kept looking down until the end. The lift was next and for the very last time I’d hear “ground floor, doors closing” it sounds silly but it was breaking my heart! By now? I was a mess, but I was that celebrity again as we walked out the main doors and I was free to go. Got in the car anxiously trying to do transfers to the car the way I’d been told to, to be comfortable. Drove away, wiped the tears from my eyes and started the next challenge of a six week recovery I knew lay ahead of me! I’m a new person, I had the strength when we drove away and I will be forever thankful of the support from everyone!

Iesha Manns, mission reconstructed hip complete!